The Fertility Mind Podcast

S2 | E24 - Gathering Evidence

• Jessica Friesen • Season 2 • Episode 24

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Hey, Hey, Welcome back!

Today, we are discussing gathering the evidence to support the life you want versus gathering the evidence of what is not working and repeating what you already have.

What conversations, emotional impacts, and feelings are on repeat? Changing your assumptions allows you to gather evidence to support what you want and then start building a ladder to a new belief. Once solidified actions, conversations, etc., the way you show up in your life changes, and you tune into the frequency where it already exists. You don't want to miss this.

In Love, Light and Gratitude
Jessica xxx   

Email - jessica@thefertilitymind.com
Website - https://www.thefertilitymind.com
Amazon Store - https://www.amazon.com/author/thefertilitymind

Speaker 1:

why me? Why me? What am I doing so wrong to deserve this? I know I'm following my medical protocol to the T. Why is this not working? And of all the things, I opened up my computer. I went onto the chat room last night and I saw on a message board 2,364. Each day hurts more and more. My heart went out to that woman and I felt guilty because I knew in the morning I was going to get my beta blood work to see if transfer number two was a success, because I know it's going to be a success. But here I am asking myself will this be me?

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Fertility Mind Podcast. I am your host, jessica Friesen, a certified fertility mindset coach, a sound healer and an international best-selling author. My mission for this podcast is to give you weekly episodes where you hear my own success with IVF and how mindset and manifestation changed it all for me. You will also hear from my guests who share their success stories in the fertility world. I want you to know that you are not alone. Even when things feel tough and when things feel like they aren't going your way, the tools and techniques you will get in this podcast, I know, can change everything for you too. So thanks for being here with me today and let's dive in. Hello and welcome back.

Speaker 1:

Today we're going to talk about gathering the evidence, but I wanted to share this with you because over the weekend I was listening to some of my old voice memos that I had on my phone from my very first fertility journey, and it was around that time that I really understood why my fertility nurses had said to me do not go in chat rooms. They were called chat rooms back then Because, after finding out that my second transfer had failed, my beta number was three. I was so upset, I was shaking, I was crying in my voice note and I really had the thought what if this is going to be me? And the thing is is that when we have emotional impacts, we instantly start to gather evidence. When I talk about gathering evidence, it's our thoughts, it's our feelings, it's our actions that all support how we're feeling, and we're completely unaware of it. You're not trying to do that. You may start recalling everything that you've gone through in your fertility journey. You may start talking to friends or family and then they can say some of the silliest things, but it also just supports that you are not pregnant.

Speaker 1:

You don't know how long it's going to take, if it will ever take. How much pain you've gone through this far, how much more pain are you willing to go through? And then you're caught in this duality. More than anything, you want to have your desired family, but how much more can you go through this? Because this is a personal help. This can give you PST, PSD. This has taken years off your life. You name it. You've either felt it, you've read it from other people on posts on social media where they share with you like I lost years of my life through infertility that I'll never get back. This is why I really tell you find joy in the journey right now, because in my last episode I shared with you it is what it is that I know I'm treading on really fine water. Those words were really really, really frustrating to me, just like divine timing, but when I started to really think about it, it is what it is. You are on this right now. So, if you can harvest the good about it, find joy in the journey.

Speaker 1:

Make self-care a priority. Put you first. Do things in a different way. Put your journaling, put your vision, put your goals and dreams first. Stay living in what it is that you want versus what is going on around you. You want versus what is going on around you. I know it's easier said than done, trust me, I know. But when you do things in a different way, and that is, you know, spending time visualizing, spending time doing mirror work, spending time creating a new self-image that supports the life that you want to have, because the self-image that you have is not supporting the life that you want to have, the self-image that you're holding right now most likely is filled with hurt, stress, frustration, grief, question upon question of why is this not working? Your worth, it's all tied up in your self-image.

Speaker 1:

So you start gathering evidence in the wrong way. You start hearing your friends say things like you know what? Go on vacation, just relax, go get drunk, do this, guys, you know the things that your friends say, or family members, or coworkers, and you're just like my God. Do you not think I haven't tried all these things? And you just feel frustrated, or, as you're hurt because social media is such a big part of our lives, we, you know, think I'm just going to scroll and just numb my mind because I don't want to feel this right now.

Speaker 1:

And then you see, you know a friend messages you that they're trying like they're excited. Or you hear a pregnancy announcement or a birth announcement. Or you go for a walk to clear your head. You take your dog for a walk and you know what? You happen to see someone who is expecting. Or you walk past a park and you see a bunch of young children. Or you go out for dinner with your friend and all they do is complain about how tired they are and how newborn life is exhausting and all you want to say is I would give anything. I would give anything for that. So you start to seclude yourself, you don't spend as much time with them because it's hard, as much as you really want to see them. It really hurts.

Speaker 1:

And not everyone feels brave enough to set boundaries with their friends and say you know, I want to go out with you, I want to go out for dinner, I want to go for a walk, I want to go do this, but I don't want to hear about your kids because you know what. At the same time, you still want to be a friend, you want to support them. You want to hear about your kids because you know what. At the same time, you still want to be a friend, you want to support them, you want to help them. But it is such a triggering point for you. Every single person, every single situation is unique to you, but this is the masses.

Speaker 1:

Some people can easily set boundaries, but it may offend their friends. Some people don't feel comfortable setting boundaries and then they just hurt inside, they bottle it up and they gather more of that evidence to support they don't have what it is that they want. Their assumption is it's hard to get pregnant. They don't know when it's going to happen. It's really, really frustrating and that you keep gathering more evidence. It keeps showing up more and more and more in your life. If you can flip your perspective, if you go out with your friends who have children, imagine yourself sharing mutual stories about newborn stage. So, yes, they may be the only one contributing, but you can be like, oh my goodness, like I know right, whatever you have to do and I know some people may say like, okay, that sounds a bit crazy, but gather evidence in what it is that you want.

Speaker 1:

You can gather evidence of each day I am spending in my imagination. Each day I am focusing and tuning in to the frequency and the vibration where everything exists. Each day, I'm focusing on what it is that I want and I gather the information. When I see children in the park, I get excited because that's my life. That's my life, I'm going to have children, I'm going to be playing at this park. When you see pregnancy announcements, you can start to say, oh, this is how I'm going to. You know, I'm weeks away from announcing my pregnancy. This is how I want to do it Gather evidence. Don't put the angst, the pain, the grief, the hurt with it, because every time you put the griefst, the pain, the grief, the hurt with it, because every time you put the grief, the pain, the hurt with it, it just keeps bringing your past into your present and it keeps you in that vibration and tuned into that frequency. You don't have what it is that you want. When I listened to that voice note, I was instantly transported back into time, of feeling that I could feel my body shaking. I could feel my body being like oh my God. I remember that. But it was moments like that that I was gathering and I remember preparing my husband.

Speaker 1:

My husband and I were talking about getting ready to do our third transfer, and we kept gathering the wrong evidence. We started looking at our bank account. Can we afford this? What if this doesn't work? Is this going to be our last time? What if this doesn't work? Are we going to be okay with just our little blended family as is? We started gathering evidence in all of the wrong ways.

Speaker 1:

I started gathering evidence of how alone I felt. I started resenting my husband that he had a vasectomy when I was never even a thought in his mind. I started gathering evidence of, yeah, I'm alone. I didn't know anyone else going through their fertility journey, so I couldn't compare someone else being like. Most of us don't have our husbands on every single trip or our partners on every single trip to the doctor. I was just gathering evidence that I'm doing everything by myself and on my way home. If I couldn't get ahold of my husband because he was at work, I would have to wait, and I knew that I was carrying this information to tell him something. I didn't like having to wait. There was also other contrast and other circumstances that were going on in my life that allowed me to keep gathering this information. I'm going to fast forward to today about gathering information.

Speaker 1:

I shared with you a couple podcast episodes, again about like I'm finally ready. No matter how much, guys, I'm emotional about this because, more than anything, I wanted this beautiful, harmonious family, blended family, without any contrast, without any anything. Little me a bit naive, in the sense of when you have teenagers or young adults in your house, they're learning, they're making their own way in the world, they have their own cause and effect, they have their own things. But I was always gathering evidence that I wasn't enough, because that was part of my self-image. I wasn't enough, I would never be this for them, I could never do this, I could never do that, I could never blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1:

And I started creating all these neural pathways. I started really gathering evidence to support all of these things because of my assumptions, because of my beliefs, because of the way I interpreted something that could have probably been interpreted very differently if I was in a higher vibration or if I was in a different place. And this is why I think gathering the evidence is so important, because, since I made this decision in the one area of my life that I said, it's too painful to keep trying to manifest something. Those were my words, guys, it's too painful to keep trying to manifest something I don't believe is going to, because there's so many outside circumstances and factors that are going on and so many personalities and so many different, you know conflicting situations. There's no way that this is possible.

Speaker 1:

Even though I know this information I will share, a lot of this was not so conscious. It was a lot in my subconscious mind because I again, I would gather evidence. I would be like you know what? Today's an amazing day. We're doing this, we're doing that. Something would trigger me and I would instantly be like okay, yeah, I'm gathering evidence. Oh yeah, this person's doing this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Well, it is what it is. I'm harvesting the good. Everyone is alive, everyone had a relatively good day and this little factor doesn't have to define this or it doesn't have to define that.

Speaker 1:

But it became this compound effect. I kept it Well, it's okay, it's okay, until I started forgiving the rest. I started forgiving myself for knowing better, not doing something about it, or for not really discovering where I was gathering evidence. I was gathering the evidence in the wrong way. I was gathering evidence to support an old version of me. So I don't know how to say this the way I'm trying to say it, other than if someone asked me what I really really wanted. I really really wanted it, but why wasn't it manifesting? Why wasn't it doing it? Why wasn't things aligning? Because that was just it.

Speaker 1:

I kept gathering evidence to say, well, you know what, there's this outside's, there's this outside source, there's this outside source, there's this going on, there's this, there's this. So how could it? I never tried to gather evidence in the other way. I never tried to look at things of if, if this is what I truly want, what would that look like? What would that feel? And how would I show up? Who would I be? And how do I turn off the noise that's screaming really loud at me telling me that, no, this can't happen. How do I do that? And it's by following the steps. It's really understanding.

Speaker 1:

Where are you gathering evidence? Looking at an emotional impact? So let's bring this back to your fertility journey. Enough about me. But I mean really looking at yourself and saying, okay, when I have this emotional impact, how did I feel? How am I being raw and real with yourself? How are you really feeling right now? How often do you get into your car and feel your body shift because you know you're driving to your fertility clinic and you start to think of all of your past experiences, all of your past things that you've gone through, and start to say. Start to say I've got this, but this also really sucks. How often are you gathering evidence that you have PTSD, or that this has taken years of your life, or that this was never what you imagined and you wouldn't wish this upon your worst enemy and this and that the more you connect with all of those feelings please understand it's valid to have those feelings. Everyone going through a fertility journey will have low vibrational feelings. They are valid to feel that way and it's okay to feel them. But them and recognize them, bring awarenesses to them.

Speaker 1:

Am I still connecting far more to what I am currently going through than connecting to what it is that I want? Is you know what's the duality? Am I far more in the negative? Am I far more in the negative? Am I far more in the positive? How am I really feeling, getting to know that? Where am I gathering evidence? Am I gathering evidence saying all my friends are leaving me behind because they're now expecting or they're growing their family, they're adding children to their family and you still don't have one.

Speaker 1:

Are you gathering the evidence that it's so easy for everyone but it's so hard for you? Are you gathering the evidence that this is just cruel and this is unfair and this is awful, and you don't know how, when or any of those things? You keep the unknown so relevant, so present? Are you growing? Are you actually really really spending time in your imagination, really connecting to that feeling and taking actions from the person you would be if you had this now? Or are you taking actions from who you are today, hoping and wishing and praying that this is the one? Yes, I've done some journaling. Or yes, I've done some mirror work, or, yes, I've done some of this and I haven't been consistent because, my God, I'm overwhelmed. Are you gathering evidence that you're overwhelmed? Are you gathering evidence? Where are you gathering the evidence? Look at where you're gathering it and flip it and find where you can start to find that positive Find and connect when you are gathering evidence in a different way. So, when I look at transfer three to transfer four, because in my very first fertility journey my fourth transfer was a success, that was my twins Gearing up from my second to my third, my husband and I had a lot of conversations of how much can we afford, what if this isn't going to work?

Speaker 1:

We have to get real with ourselves. Maybe this isn't going to work. There was a lot of negative conversations and quote unquote. Getting real with ourselves of what we were willing to put ourselves through and where we were gathering evidence. Three to four is where I flipped my perspective and I started really gathering evidence by living in gratitude. Gratitude that my father-in-law had given us this money to help pay for our fertility journey. Gratitude that my husband and I are connecting and we're talking and fully laying all of our feelings on the line. We're not hiding anything, we're not sugarcoating anything. We're being raw and real with ourselves.

Speaker 1:

I found gratitude that I was seeing so many pregnancy announcements or seeing a lot of things that reminded me of fertility and I, the more and more and more I see this, that means it's going to be in my future. Every time I went to my fertility clinic, I really liked my nurses and I was grateful and I was thankful and I thought I feel really, really excited and every morning when I was in the shower I was saying I'm so happy and grateful now that I'm pregnant with boy, girl twins. I am so, so, so excited. Life is beautiful, life is. All the things I can't remember all the things that I would say, but it was that place of you know what. I don't have time to do this.

Speaker 1:

I wrote a letter to myself a year from now. What would my life look? Because I wanted to have my fertility story or journey in one of the acknowledgements. Or if Rhonda Byrne had an email list? If you signed up for an email list, every day she would send, like someone's message to her, of their success story of using the law of attraction. And I wrote a letter to myself as if I was that person on the message board a year from now. This is what my life is like, and in detail. I wrote my life with my twins. I had them named, I had everything listed out what our morning looked like, what we would do and my vision board. I had maternity clothes that I was going to buy. I had the stroller that I wanted. I had the list of names of everyone that was going to be at my baby shower.

Speaker 1:

Like I really started gathering evidence in all of the different ways and the difference is from the third to the fourth, the contrast that was going on my fertility clinic had closed and I was now going to a new fertility clinic. All of the things that were going on in my blended family on top of a fertility clinic closing, on top of so many uncertainties and so many things, and now I had to drive two and a half to three hours, depending on traffic to a fertility clinic All of these things could have easily been enough for my husband or me to say you know what? I guess this is just not for us. But I started gathering the evidence. Well, okay, I'm in a new clinic. So now that I'm in this new clinic, I'm with new doctors. Maybe there's a new medical protocol which there was, by the way, new doctors, maybe there's a new medical protocol, which there was, by the way, new, different things.

Speaker 1:

And I was like this all things to support, gathering the evidence of going to what it is that I want, versus this is not what I want. This isn't going to work. I can't do this, you name it. I chose to start to gather evidence in what it is that I wanted. Gathering the evidence is just that it started to support. I started to make the assumption I know, I know I'm going to be a twin mom, absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt. I'm going to be a twin mom. That was my assumption. That started to become my belief because, as I started gathering evidence of yeah, we're going to transfer two embryos, I'm with a new clinic, there's a new medical protocol, I'm with the director of this huge fertility clinic. So, my gosh, it's got to work, my belief grew and grew and grew and grew.

Speaker 1:

I was focusing so much on my gratitude. I was supporting my self-image of who I would be. I wrote my letter and I read it three times a day. Of this is what my life looks like. You know. We drop my older girls off at school, me and my twins. We go to the grocery store. We do this, we do that. We drop a coffee off to my husband at work so he can peek in on the babies. I get my little outing for the day. We do our walks, we do this, we do that.

Speaker 1:

And I was living that, even though I wasn't even pregnant at that point in my life. I was really living in my imagination and I kept gathering evidence. And every time I went out to walk my dog, I would always take different routes. Sometimes it was for a walk around our river in our hometown. Sometimes it was just a small quick around the block, sometimes I did a really big block. I tried to take different routes every single time and I always, more often than not, ran into someone who was pregnant or someone that was pushing a stroller and I was like I would wave to them and I'm like, yeah, I'm, I want to walk with my baby. I was walking my dog, there was no stroller in my hands. I gathered the evidence of me waving and me, yeah, I'm seeing all of these people with babies or pregnancy pregnant. Because that was me gathering evidence. That was me saying, yes, I am supporting my assumption, I'm going to be a twin mom, supporting my belief, yes, this is working for me. Doing things every single day, which was journaling, doing my gratitude, feeling the feeling as if it was already here Every day, I'd rub my tummy and be like, oh my gosh, I can't wait till I feel them kick. I would say goodnight, my loves, to their room. We cleared out their space in their room so that they now had a room that they could come home to.

Speaker 1:

All before I was pregnant, so much had changed within me, because I started gathering evidence in a different way, and I want you to do the same for you. I want you to gather evidence in a different way than how you're gathering evidence of constantly regurgitating how long it's been, how hard it is. It's nothing like you ever imagined this, that all of the emotions, all of the grief it is okay to feel the grief, yes, absolutely feel it, but then release it and say that is my past, this is me right now. This is where I want to go, this is where I want to gather evidence and this is how I want to support my assumptions, to create a ladder of belief, to solidify my belief and start to see it show up in my reality. I am doing this right now because I'm getting raw and real with myself and, I'll be honest, there's a lot of contrast showing up, because next week's episode is really diving in a bit more about your self-image and I was fine-tuning my self-image of who I'm going to show up when everything is harmonious and everything is beautiful and everything is how I truly always wanted and always envisioned it. And yeah, there's contrast because I'm showing up different, which sometimes leave people thinking that's not you, that's not how you usually are and I just think, well, welcome to the new me. And now we can start building this new model, this new relationship, this new everything. You are building a new model to solidify right now that you will have your desired family, your desired family.

Speaker 1:

Leave the past in the past and only build building blocks right now on a brand new foundation. Gather the evidence of what it is that you want, not what it is. When you go to the fertility clinic, if your doctor seems too busy, don't allow that, don't accept that. Just say, okay, all of the things are aligning for what it is that I want. You don't know what went on in your doctor's day. You don't know what went on in everyone's day that made traffic so bad that you were behind. Whatever the situation or scenario or circumstance or environment is that you are in, or scenario or circumstance or environment is that you are in, you get to create what it is that you want and you absolutely get to start gathering evidence to support your goals and your desires and dreams so you can see them in your reality.

Speaker 1:

I love you, I'm proud of you for being here and I'm always, always, always, rooting for you. Have an amazing day. I want to express my deepest gratitude for you tuning in with me today. I am proud of you and I am sending you so much love. I want you to remember that you hold incredible strength and power within you. If this episode resonated with you or you know anyone that would benefit from hearing, please share and if you haven't done so already, head over to Spotify or Apple and please leave a rating and a review. In love and light, jessica.