Navigating Through Stillbirth: Finding Gratitude, and Strength with Diane

***TRIGGER WARNING*** This episode is all about navigating life after stillbirth.

Hey, Hey, Welcome Back!

Are you ready for an emotional yet inspiring journey of resilience, gratitude, and strength? Buckle up as I engage in a heartfelt conversation with Diane, a courageous woman who has turned her unimaginable loss into a mission of support for others. Diane opens the door to her world, allowing us to walk with her through the devastating experience of stillbirth and the emotional labour that came along with it. She paints a vivid picture of the shock, grief, and challenges she encountered and how she navigated them with an inspiring sense of gratitude.

This episode is not merely about grief but is a testament to the human spirit's capacity for strength, resilience, and finding joy even in the darkest hours. Diane's healing journey through her stillbirth experience and her discovery of strength and solace through gratitude is nothing short of inspiring. We also touch upon stillbirth awareness and the need for time off work after such a life-altering experience. Tune in to this powerful episode and be moved by Diane's resilience, gratitude, and the importance of lending support during challenging times.

In Love and Gratitude
Jessica xxx

Happier Than God by Neale Donald Walsch was mentioned 

Links to Dianne
Mala Website
The Rachel Bracelet
Instagram @_thedaisycollective_

Email - jessica@thefertilitymind.com
Website - https://www.thefertilitymind.com
Amazon Store - https://www.amazon.com/author/thefertilitymind

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Fertility Mind podcast. I am your host, jessica Friesen, a certified fertility mindset coach, a sound healer and an international best-selling author. My mission for this podcast is to give you weekly episodes where you hear my own success with IVF and how mindset and manifestation changed it all for me. You will also hear from my guests who share their success stories in the fertility world. I want you to know that you are not alone. Even when things feel tough and when things feel like they aren't going your way. The tools and techniques you will get in this podcast, I know, can change everything for you too.

Speaker 1: 0:47

So thanks for being here with me today and let's Hello and welcome back. Today I have Diane here with me and she is an absolutely, incredibly beautiful soul and she is going to share with us how she found gratitude during the hardest time in her life and how gratitude saved her while she was grieving through her stillbirth process and how understanding and developing a gratitude practice has allowed her to turn that pain into a passion, where she wants to share her story and help as many people as possible go through the grieving process of stillbirth. So, diane, please take it away and introduce yourself and thank you again, so much for being here.

Speaker 2: 1:45

My name is Diane and I am a mom of a five-year-old little boy who is just the most amazing thing ever. I have my own business called Malablyce where I do gemstone bracelets. I'm a singer by trade. That's been my whole life pretty much. Malablyce has just been in the last few years and, yeah, I've had a pretty crazy story over the last two years. I don't even know where to start.

Speaker 2: 2:16

So I had, before my son, I had a fibroid surgery. So I had two fibroids the size of grapefruits that just kind of came. I had no idea what was happening. So I had that surgery and that was almost like preventing me from having kids because she's like I have to see where the fibroids are, we might have to take your uterus out. So like that was like a really scary okay, because I always dreamt I would have kids. So luckily it wasn't. They took a little bit of the lining of the uterus, but nothing that would prevent me from having kids. So I was like awesome.

Speaker 2: 2:54

So then we had our son about a year and a bit later, textbook pregnancy. It was, you know, quick, got pregnant. Quick pregnancy was awesome, didn't even get morning sickness, like it was just like the best pregnancy ever. I had a C-section with him at 38 weeks because of the fibroid surgery. So if he was too big, if there's any complications, they were worried about my uterus erupting. So he was a C-section that went perfectly well, everything was good.

Speaker 2: 3:25

And then about I want to say I lose track of time like since COVID. I have no concept of this time at all. I want to say so. It was almost two years ago that this all happened. So the year before that we did get pregnant quickly again. Everything was fine, but I did notice that I felt like she wasn't. So we found out it was a little girl and I found I just felt like she wasn't moving as much as she was like the week prior. But then I was like, oh, you're just being like anxious and all the things. So I just went to my doctor anyway and I was just like you know, I don't I don't know if it's just me and she's like you know what she's like, we'll just go check. Like she's like better safe than sorry, like don't stress.

Speaker 2: 4:15

So went to the hospital the next day I had an ultrasound appointment and that's kind of where everything went crazy. So I went to the hospital just thinking I was getting an ultrasound, everything was fine, and then they send me to like a room, to they're like, yeah, we need to set you up to the stress test, like your amniotic fluid is low, and I'm just like okay, and I was by myself, my husband's at home, with a little boy and I was just like okay, and so I go sit there and I'm like obviously I'm stressing and you know they're like, oh, don't worry, don't worry. But I'm obviously like losing my mind and they're like, oh, like the heartbeat's fine, everything's fine. A doctor came in like I want to say like two hours later longest two hours of my life she did like a portable ultrasound. She's like, no, everything looks okay, but we're gonna send you to Mac like my master children's hospital, and I was like. I was like okay, they're like don't eat anything, just in case you have to have her. And I was like whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Like I was only 26 weeks at the time, 27 weeks and I was like no, no, no, no, we're not having her and I'm not having her by myself like my husband's at home, like we haven't arranged any like childcare, like no, so I cry all the way to McMaster.

Speaker 2: 5:39

This was in Cambridge. My OBGYN is out in Cambridge, so that was like a 45 minute drive to Hamilton and I'm just like the whole time I was like no, no, no, no, no, balling my eyes out. Get to Mac, they do a stress test. They're like no, everything's fine. They did their ultrasound. They're like no, everything's perfectly fine, she's moving around, fine. She's just a little small. And I was like okay, and they're like that's not anything necessarily to worry about, because my son was small. He was only five pounds eight ounces when he was born, so he was small too. So they're like don't worry about that necessarily. And she's like we don't want to do birth right now. She's like she's safer in there than out here.

Speaker 2: 6:20

And I had an appointment the following Thursday for an ultrasound to see the fluid levels and then the following Thursday they were gonna see if she's grown. So I was like okay, so everything's fine. So I'm just like okay, like calm down, everything's fine, and then fast forward to that appointment. The night, as I was going to bed, I was like I don't know if she's like moving. But then again I was like no, it's just me like, of course she's moving, I'm just being paranoid and I had no put like my appointment.

Speaker 2: 6:55

That ultrasound was like seven in the morning and this was at like two in the morning. So I'm like, oh, I gotta get up soon anyway. And I'm like I know, I'm just, it's probably just me. So I go super early. The hospital is like empty. So I go to Mac again, they do the ultrasound. She's like, yeah, we're just gonna send you for another stress test. And I was like I'm like this again and thinking whatever.

Speaker 2: 7:19

So I go upstairs to labor and delivery, go sit in the room and the doctor that had seen the week before she comes in and she's like um, she's like I just. She like sat down. I knew something was wrong. I could just see it on her face like it wasn't. She looked nervous to like tell me. And she's just like I am so sorry but your baby has passed. And I was just like okay, because I think I was just like in shock. She's like, no, that's not okay. I was like I I don't know what to say like I just sat there. I was like I need to go outside. And she's like okay, but come back, or no, no, I went outside, I didn't say anything. She's like I'll give you a minute and to call your husband. So I just left.

Speaker 2: 8:07

I'm like I cannot say here, like on a labor and delivery floor, I'm like I need to get out of here. So I went outside, called my husband and I couldn't even speak. Like I I tried like three times and I couldn't even speak. And he's like what are you trying to say? And I'm like I like it was the weirdest moment of my life. I like could not talk, I could not say the words that like our daughter was not here, and so I finally got words out that he could piece together. And he's just like what? And I'm like I like I don't even know.

Speaker 2: 8:44

Then the doctor called me. She's like can you come back? And I said, honestly, I said I have to go home. I said is there any danger to me by not coming back? She goes not right this second. No, and I was like, okay, then I need to go home, like I need to be with my husband and my son and just figure out what is happening. So I go home, I have a moment with my husband and son and luckily my son was young enough. He had no idea what was going on, which is one thing I am so grateful for that I didn't have to come home and explain. We talk about her to him, but I don't think he fully gets it and I keep it obviously kid-appropriate. I'm not, you know, trying to explain life to him.

Speaker 2: 9:25

But yeah, and then she called me. She's like hey, come back down, we have to figure out a birthing plan. And I was just like I'm like a birthing plan, okay, you know, so many things came up and and that's why when you asked me to do this, I was like yes, because so many things came up that I was like I didn't think about that. I didn't even think about that. And one of them was birthing. Like obviously I knew that she wasn't gonna stay, but like to talk about a birthing plan when you're not leaving with a baby was the most wild thing I've ever like discussed with somebody.

Speaker 2: 10:02

So I went back, obviously because I knew I had to, and she's like yeah, we're gonna do vaginal. And I was just like are you sure? Like that freaked me out because I was always told no vaginal births. And you know they're like no, she's really small and we'll have c-section on standby, but she's really small, so we don't think there's any issue. And I was like, okay, so they're like we'll call you tomorrow. They're like do you want to do it now? And I was like, well, no, like my husband's at home I don't have child care yet. Like I'm processing what you just told me like three hours ago. Like no, and I said. And then again I said, can I go into labor? She's like technically, yeah, she's like just watch for the signs.

Speaker 2: 10:48

And then that sent me into a whole other anxiety because I was like I want to go home, but like what if I give birth? Like it was just like a whole mind thing. So they're like, yeah, okay, we'll call you first thing in the morning I was like okay, perfect, great, so go home and just tell everybody. That was crazy. And like I kind of put that on my husband God bless him. I was like I can't.

Speaker 2: 11:13

I was like I'm just gonna text my family and hope that they understand why it's a text, because I can't, I can't say it. So he called his family. He was able to talk about it. I just could not say even the text. I wrote the text once and copied and pasted it because I'm like I can't keep writing this. Like it was just like like I can't, I can't do that. So the text was basically like sorry to text you this, but I can't, I can't say it. And it's just funny how like us as humans even do that like I'm apologizing to somebody for sending them a text message after losing a child, like that's crazy. But I just said you know we lost her and I have to give birth and let you know how it goes, kind of thing.

Speaker 2: 12:05

And everyone was just like wait, why? It was a very. It was a crazy day and one that won't ever forget, that's for sure. And then we just arranged childcare. My sister came the next day. It was a waiting game. I was waiting.

Speaker 2: 12:22

I called the hospital a few times because I was told I'd be called first thing in the morning. So I got up, had a shower, I just got myself ready and I called a couple of times and they're like we don't have any rooms. And I'm like, okay, well, what happens if I go into labor? They're like, well, you know, come down. And I'm like, okay, like it's just, it's so interesting I know that's their job, but it's very interesting how just textbook it is for them. Like, oh, if you're a good labor, just come down, and just so calmly. And I'm like freaking out. So they finally called around like three to four and said come in for 7.30. So I was like, okay.

Speaker 2: 13:03

So then it was the next step of the realness of what was happening. And so my sister's here, we go down and get into like a birthing suite. And that's when I like lost my mind and the one nurse comes in and just kind of told me the process and hooked me up to an IV, like, just got the stuff in my hand and she's like, do you want to go for a walk? And I was like, yeah, actually I would like to go for a walk. So me and my husband just walked around the hospital for 10, 15 minutes, just kind of like, you know, having that moment with each other, and go back into the room and then all of a sudden like an OBGYN and three nurses walk in and I just broke down Cause it was just too much. It was just like all these people like walking at me and I just lost it and they're like sorry, sorry. And then they all like ran out, except the OBGYN, and he's like just go, just go. And I was just like sorry and like that was just a lot. There was a lot of you and it just like everything hit me at that moment.

Speaker 2: 14:07

So, yeah, and then the process of birth, which was very unenjoyable, it took. It ended up taking two days. Two days I was in the hospital and normally if I was leaving with a baby that'd be no big deal, but I was just like, hey, come on, like. So they did a. What are those things called A foley, is that? Yeah, so they put a foley in, cause they're only, they're like you're only one centimeter dilated. So put the foley in. And they're like, when we pull this out, when we can pull this out, we'll break your water and we'll go.

Speaker 2: 14:47

I'm like, okay, so I'm just sitting there, sitting there, you know they have me hooked up to watch the contractions, cause they're like we can't have you having like too big of contractions with everything. So I was like, okay, Couldn't eat because the C-section option was still on the table. So I don't have a baby, I can't eat. I'm like this is, this is insane. Like I was just like what, what is this life right now? And yeah, it was just a waiting game.

Speaker 2: 15:18

So they did the like to induce labor, but it was a different kind. It was a lesser dosage. They're like we can't give you the regular kind because your uterus will most likely erupt. So they gave me like a low dose that goes up. I can't remember. It's actually a different kind, I can't remember what it's called, but every half hour they'd up the dose a little bit, up the dose a little bit until they got to the full dose and then at the full dose, nothing. I was having contractions, but nothing was happening.

Speaker 2: 15:51

So I'm getting frustrated, cause I want to go home. I just want to go home. I want this to be over. I want to go home, I want to go see my son, I just want to get out of here and you know, we hadn't seen an OBGYN in a while. So we were just getting frustrated at this point.

Speaker 2: 16:06

And our nurse that we had the first night her name was Rachel and she was like I got home, cause we ended up having her the next night when we gave birth as well. And I, we got home and I said to my husband I'm like she was real right, like I, like I really thought I was like in some like hallucinating, like weird angel thing, cause this woman I don't know where she came from, but she, she saved me that day, like she had a smiling and she had me so calm and it was I can't even explain it. It was the strangest like experience, but like in the best way possible. But like to the point where I asked my husband like she was there right, like you saw her, and he's like yes, and I was like okay, I'm just checking, cause, like it was crazy. So finally got to the point where I was like, okay, I need an epidural. Like I was in so much pain, I'm like I can't sleep, I can't eat, I need epidural. Like I can't anymore.

Speaker 2: 17:06

So they did that and then so that was all good until I had to go to the bathroom. So they just did the thing where they like stick something in your bladder and drain it. It wasn't like a catheter, it was just, I don't know, it was like a portable one, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. So as soon as they did that, my whole right side of my body became like unnum Is that a word? I don't know. Everything on the right side of my body.

Speaker 2: 17:34

And they're like, oh, that's weird. And I was like, yeah, I was like you know what, though? I said it's better than it was. I said my left side is still good, like. So they tried to move it around, they tried to increase the dose and nothing was working. So the right side of my body I could feel everything left side was numb. So I'm like you know what? It's fine, it's like half the pain. I'm good, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. So I was like it's still better than before, don't worry about it, whatever.

Speaker 2: 18:00

So then they switched nurses and had the day shift come in and then the night shift. So now we finally talked to an OBGYN and they're just like hey, we're gonna do one more round of the inducing thing. So they took me off of it for two hours, because apparently it only takes two hours to clear your system. So they took it off for two hours and then put me back on the like if this round doesn't work, then we'll do a C-section. So I was like, okay, so at least we had a plan. So I was feeling okay. Then we had to call my cousin because my sister has kids and she couldn't stay two nights. So now we're trying to find childcare for the next night, not thinking I would be in there two nights.

Speaker 2: 18:43

So finally the nurse comes in again, like the nighttime nurse, and it's Rachel again. So that was such a calming because I knew we were close. I could just feel that we were close to doing this and to have her back was just like. Then I even asked, I was like who's on tonight? They're like Rachel. And I was like, thank God, like that is just like the person I needed there. So she comes in, we finally eventually the cat there, the Foley, pulls out. And then that was a whole other thing of emotions, like I was happy. But then I was like, oh crap, like now it's coming. Like I kind of got comfortable and was in my own world with just like laying there and not having to deal with it directly.

Speaker 2: 19:29

So Foley comes out, they bring in an OBGYN, they break my water. And that's when everything got real, cause I was like, okay, well, what am I looking for? Cause I didn't birth my son traditionally, so I don't know what going into labor feels like. I have no idea. And she's like well, basically you'll feel like you have to poop. And I'm like, okay. So I looked at her and like I feel like I have to poop. She's like seriously. And I was like, yeah, so she runs out, cause the OBGYN was like, oh, it'll be probably another like two or three hours, so just relax. And I was like okay. So then when I talked to the nurse, I was like no, I feel like I have to poop. So she runs out the door because at that hospital those OBGYNs like once they're gone, sometimes it's hard to get them back because there's so much going on at that hospital. So luckily the one was still there and she comes running in. Another person comes running in like hey, push, push, push.

Speaker 2: 20:28

And I was like okay, this is like so many emotions because like when you're giving birth, that's emotional. But to know that like nothing's coming with me was like so pushed, like I think like three, three or four pushes and she was out. And then that was weird, cause it was silence, just like silence, and that was probably I don't think I've cried telling the story in so long. Oh, my goodness, that was probably the hardest part where I was just like there's no noise like that. That was a lot.

Speaker 2: 21:02

So they wrapped her up and took her out, cause I was like I want to hold her. My husband didn't. He like I don't think I can handle that. I said that's fine, there's no right or wrong. Like you do what you need to do, I said I at the time I didn't want to hold her, but I knew that if I didn't I would be so mad at myself later cause in the, in the emotions, I was just like no, no, I can't, I can't. But I was like no, I have to. So I was like just can you just take her out and let him and me have a moment and then, when I'm ready, you know he'll leave and bring her back, kind of thing.

Speaker 2: 21:37

So they kept no problem. So they took her out and it was just kind of like like it was just like such like a energy just release. And it was just, and the first thing that my husband's like do you want food? And I'm like yes, like I physically and mentally been through so much in those two days and not eating, and I was just like please get me food. I'm like I didn't know what to do with myself. So I ate and I fell asleep for the first time in two days and then, about four in the morning, the nurse Rachel came back in and she's like we, she's like I hate to do this, she's like, but we need this room.

Speaker 2: 22:19

And that was probably the only bad thing I would say about my whole experience is being kicked out of a room when I, like four hours ago, just you know, I was leaving. This was at like midnight, so I was leaving in the morning anyway. So, like, for me, I don't know how hospitals work, so I'm, you know, not speaking as someone who knows what goes on, but I was just like you couldn't just leave me there for like a few more hours because I was going home anyway. So that was the only part that was like. So I was like, okay, I like bring her in. My husband went out into the waiting room and I just sat there with her and the nurse Rachel like held my hand and she was bawling and it was just such a real raw moment with somebody in healthcare. You know, she wasn't trying to play cool and she wasn't just sitting there, like she was crying just as much as I was. You know, we bonded over those two days and so, yeah, like, and then just so many things came up after that.

Speaker 2: 23:20

I just, you know, left the hospital with a box in my hand and I was just like like what is this, you know, to? You know, you see, it's a kid's hospital, so there's kids everywhere. And one thing I am thankful for I never heard a baby cry. So I'm so thankful for that, because that would have been. I don't know if I would have handled that. But you know, just walking out of the hospital with a box and I'm just like okay, like what is happening with this? So yeah, they're just like what are you gonna name her? And I'm like name her. It's like she wasn't supposed to be here for another like 10 weeks, I don't know. So. And something I learned that I didn't know if you leave the hospital with no name, that's what goes on their birth certificate. So you can't change it after. You like you have to tell them. I mean, I'm sure you can change it after, like with the government, but the hospital can't change it. So she just was just baby writer, because that's my maiden name. I still haven't switched, like my name after like 12 years, but so it just says baby writer on her thing.

Speaker 2: 24:36

And so we got home and they cut, like a social worker called and she's like how are you? And I'm like I don't know, I have no idea. Good, I guess Like I don't know. And they're like, okay, well, here's some funeral home things. And I was just like I was like, if funeral home things? I was like what, didn't think about that, didn't even think about that, not that I thought I was just walking away and leaving my baby at the hospital, but for whatever reason I wasn't thinking about that. So I was like, oh, cool, I have to call funeral homes. Okay, quit.

Speaker 2: 25:11

So we had a connection with a sister in law of mine and they wanted like $131400 for a cremation, that's it, no ceremony, no, nothing. And I was just like what? I was like, no, like the social worker told me a couple hundred dollars, like they're like they, they wave everything when it's a baby. And I was like, okay, not that it mattered, I would have paid 5000 if that's what it cost it. But I was just like, going by what the social worker said, I'm like I don't think that's right. So I called the social worker back and she's like no, she's like that's so wrong. And like she was visibly upset that a funeral home was going to charge us that kind of money. So she's like no, she's like I'm going to call some for you. She's like, just go be, I will touch base with you. So we found one and we're in the Hamilton area. So we found one in Hamilton and it was like to something. So I was like, okay, like again would have paid 5000, if that's what it was.

Speaker 2: 26:13

But you know, it was disappointing to to hear of a funeral home trying to scam you know, grieving families, like that was really didn't sit right with me. But so then the next step of going to the funeral home and filling out papers and picking an earn and like it was just the most bizarre experience of my life and I don't wish it upon anybody. Like, and not even an enemy, like not that I have any, but you know I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. And yeah, so there's, there's just a lot of things. And then about two days later my boobs were so sore and just triple the size and I was like, oh, okay, we're going to do this now. Okay, so I don't have a baby, I just went to a funeral home and now my boobs are ready to feed a baby. I was like, cool, so it just like a lot of that kind of stuff popped up, where it's just like no one told me that that was going to happen. So I'm just like.

Speaker 2: 27:18

It's like for two weeks I couldn't like everyone was coming over and hugging. I'm like I can't hug you like the side, the side hug, and you know, and I couldn't even release it. So you know, when you have kids, obviously the breastfeeding, you know your boobs are so tender and every, but at least you have a child to help, you know release it. And I didn't want to pump because I was like then it's just going to keep making more because it thinks it's a baby. So I'm like I just got to wait this out and it was about two weeks before they like chilled out and like that was crazy Cause I was like my body is you know.

Speaker 2: 27:53

Then you start getting mad. You know you're like how does my body not know that like there's no baby? And you just start getting angry, like there's definitely stages of grieving and I definitely went through them and it was just like it was one of those things like everybody's like tiptoes around you and I hated that. I'm like don't just treat me how you treat me, like just be there for me, like don't tiptoe, like don't do that. You know, and I know everyone means well, but it was just one of those things where I was like just be normal, please be normal. And you know, and it was the craziest thing I've been through in my life. And it's funny because gratitude this is going to sound crazy to people who don't know this world, but gratitude 100% saved my life mentally, like saved my life. I don't know what version of me would be here right now if I didn't have that.

Speaker 2: 28:54

And, like I mentioned before Kathleen Cameron, I had seen her once. Like somebody sent it one of her workshops to me. I was like I love her, her energy is wicked, like cool, and I didn't see her again for probably like a year. She wasn't popping up anywhere. And then, about a week after I got home, she was constantly popping up on Facebook, popping up on Instagram, and I was like that is so weird. And I just dove into her things and actually reached out to her and I was like I need help, like I don't know where to put this.

Speaker 2: 29:30

Like how do you stay in a frequency of like gratitude and abundance and high vibes when your world was just completely shattered and she was so kind and she actually sent me voice messages back. And this is what you do, this is what you focus on. Like you got this and you know it was hard, it's not something that was easy. And it's not to say you can't grieve, like you can be in both, and that's what I wasn't understanding. I'm like how can I be grieving but be grateful at the same time, like it wasn't clicking? And then when it clicked, I was like, okay, we got this.

Speaker 2: 30:09

Like and it was just every day, whether it was just like I got up today, that's what I was grateful for that day. Something made me laugh today. Like they, they, they didn't have to be major things. I was just so grateful when I smiled, because for about two weeks I didn't smile, like I couldn't find. You know, obviously my son was a huge factor in being okay, but it took a couple weeks before I could be like okay, and you know everyone's like oh, it happened for a reason. I was like no, no, because I hate that. Saying that drives me nuts, because I'm like no, it doesn't happen for a reason. I'm like tell me the reason. You know what I mean. Like I know again. I know everyone's just trying to like, say the right thing or be comforting, but I'm like, tell me the reason that I don't have my baby, like there's no reason in terms of that, right. So I'm just like, no, I'm going to be grateful that you know she chose me because there's women who couldn't handle what I went through and maybe they wouldn't be here, you know, maybe they, you know, it's just one of those things where I started looking at it like you know this, this little girl came when I needed her the most and, yes, would I give anything to have her here, absolutely Like, that's definitely not the outcome I wanted, but her purpose was to change my life and she did.

Speaker 2: 31:37

I am not the same person I was a year ago and, like I said, like I want to spread this message, because I felt so alone, like me and my husband felt so alone. You know, we had our family here. Everybody was supportive, but just we didn't know anybody that had been through this. This wasn't even a thought on my like radar that something like this would happen, and especially having like a perfect pregnancy with my first I wasn't thinking anything like this and then to just like with with my husband, like the fathers get so left behind in these things because everyone's just focused on the mom and you know, being there, trying to be there for him while I'm grieving myself. And you know, guys don't like to talk, they're not huge talkers as a rule, you know. So it always be like are you good, like you're not, you're not talking. And he's like I'm good, I'm like okay, you know. So I just I really want to bring awareness that, like you're not alone, like this happens so much and it's so sad to say that but it does.

Speaker 2: 32:43

And you know, I even asked them, was like how often do you see this? And the doctors like, honestly, she's like every day. And I was just like I was like God bless you, like for doing this job, because I couldn't, I couldn't. And me and my husband sat there one day like trying to think of a name because I'm like we're going to name her, I don't care what the paper says, we're going to name her, right. And he looked at me. He's like what about Rachel, you know, for the nurse? And I was like, yep, that's the ones. Because I had no names, not even one, because we were still 10 weeks out. So you know, with my son, we named him. Well, we had an idea of a name for him like the day before we went in for the C section.

Speaker 2: 33:28

So, like I wasn't there yet, I got a couple I liked but we weren't there yet and I was just like, yes, I'm like that is because I swear like I know it sounds dramatic, but like I swear this chick was an angel. Like like she was just the energy and the connection and the just. She was the most amazing person in healthcare I've ever met in my life. And so I was like, yeah, let's do it. So it was Rachel, Elizabeth, and Elizabeth is my middle name. So we put the nurses name, my middle name and then my husband's last name, obviously.

Speaker 2: 34:04

So I called the social worker and I was like, look, I was like we named our daughter after our nurse, rachel. Can you see if she would meet with us so I could tell her. I was like it's not something, I just want someone to pass on to her right in an email. So she's like, yeah, I'll reach out to her for sure. And I was so nervous because I was like I want to tell her, but like what if she doesn't want to see us again, because everybody heals and deals with their job differently. Like maybe she doesn't want to reconnect with a patient that you know.

Speaker 2: 34:35

This was about a month later, I think, and so the social worker wrote back. She's like, yep, she said, no problem, here's her schedule for the next week. So I was like okay, so we wrote her, like I wrote her this like super long card that just said, like please know the difference that you're making people's lives. Like I said, my experience would not have been what it was if you weren't there. And I said, please don't ever stop doing what you're doing as long as, like, your mental health is okay. Like please don't ever stop. And I just like gave her a bracelet from that I made for her and we just got her like a Starbucks gift card. There's nothing I could do that would ever thank her for what she did, but it was just a little something to be like you're appreciated, you know. So we went and gave her that and then I had to get my husband to tell her so they already started crying and like I can't say it.

Speaker 2: 35:26

So Jeff told her and she got to meet our son because she was asking and we were showing pictures and whatnot. So she got to meet him and then we told her like yeah, we named her Rachel and she's just like, oh, my God. And I said I just want you know how much like you mean to our family. And she starts crying, everyone's crying. I'm like, okay, let's go. We got to go. So it was so nice to see her again. But then that was another section of healing, Because here's somebody that I had, a stranger that I had the most intimate connection with in our family, and she's just gone.

Speaker 2: 36:08

Yeah like that was a whole other grieving process that I can't just call her, be like, hey, you want to hang out, you know, but like to connect with someone, the way that we connected and the things that she did for us, and to just not have her in our life, because I don't want to be a weirdo and like stalker. But you know, like that was a healing thing, because I was like, oh, she's just, she's just gone now. So there's just so many things that came up for us that we were like, wait, what, what, what you know? And and like you were saying before, like the, the leaf, like for work, like that should absolutely be a thing, yeah, you know. And it's just like to say like, oh, you lost a child. Oh, okay, well, you got to come to work. Like that is so weird to me and we like, so we did an autopsy, because I mean, you want to know what happened. I was just like I need to. I don't understand. Like I was there a week before and they're telling me everything's fine and we'll just monitor, make sure she's growing and if she's not growing, then we'll go in and get her out and try and help her and whatever. So, like the week before everything's fine, and then the week later like she's gone. So I'm like I need to know what the hell like happened. So that was a whole other thing. It took a year, a year a year of me I wouldn't say for the full year, but you know, as a mom, you blame yourself for everything. So I'm going home.

Speaker 2: 37:47

What did I eat? What didn't I notice? What did I do? What didn't I do? How did I not see this coming? How did I not know? Like you go through that, you know, and because you're the carrier, so you're just like what did I do? What did I do? And for a few months I was like I did, what did I do? And that's a lot to take on because deep down I know I didn't do anything, you know, but your mind's like no, I think you did, you know. And you start to second guess, like what did I do? Did I? Like my biggest thing was did I eat something? Did I eat something that I'm not supposed to eat? And, like you know, and I kept calling and kept calling. I'm like hi, like what? Like after six months I was like what is going on? Like they told me six to eight months, and even that, I think, is insane. But they said six to eight months. So six months go by. They're like, yeah, I don't have anything yet, sorry. Eight months go by, no, and like the department I can't remember what they're called the department that does that they're not answering us, they're not replying to emails and I'm just like, oh my God, like there's a family on the other end of this. And not only that, I didn't want to get pregnant again until I knew what it was, because what if it was something that would just happen again? You know, I'll just be grateful for, you know, one good pregnancy and I'm good, like I'm okay with that.

Speaker 2: 39:06

So a year goes by. It was like two days after the anniversary of her death and her birth, her birthday, I guess, and I call it. I'm like now I'm getting like a little agitated. You know, so many times they're like you're so kind, thank you for being kind. I was like, well, yelling at you is not gonna get me the results. I say I'm frustrated. I said I won't lie, I'm frustrated.

Speaker 2: 39:33

And so then the nurse and doctor's office that, like the doctor that helped me, she's like call the customer or patient care line or something. She's like they're really good at getting things done. So I called them, explained my story and they were just like oh my God, I'm so sorry, like it should not take a year. Let me go find out what's going on. And I'm saying, like the departments won't answer the nurses, there's no communication like what's going on. But they end up taking that to the head of that department, like the girl at the very, very top of the you know line, and she calls me. She's like I am so sorry. She's like I don't know what is going on, I don't know why there's no communication. She's like it should not take a year. I'm on it. I'm like okay.

Speaker 2: 40:25

So she calls me back, she goes, I have the results. She's like I can't give them to you. She's like cause I'm not a doctor. So she's like, in that sense, to explain things to you. She's like I wouldn't be able to answer you Like. She's like I can read it. She's like but I wouldn't be able to answer any questions that you have cause I'm not that kind of doctor. She's like so I will get them to your doctor. She will call you, probably tomorrow.

Speaker 2: 40:48

And then she's like you know, because of this, we're going to put some systems in place where, after a certain amount of time, something's going to be triggered, where it's like, hey, you know, this family hasn't gotten results yet. What's going on? She's like I'll talk to them about communicating. There has to be some communication. I don't know what happened there. So you know a part of me again. I was happy because I was strong enough to deal with waiting that long. It wasn't ideal, but I was strong enough to do it and you know, some things are now being implemented that won't let that happen again. So that was really comforting.

Speaker 2: 41:23

And then to go through the results, like that was a trick, you know. Just going through each thing, she's like, yeah, she measured this, her ears were okay, her fingers were good, this was good. And I'm just like starting to cry, cause she's like going through each body, part of my child that I don't have, and I'm like this is harder than I thought, cause I just thought it would be like, oh, this is what happened. But like she's going through everything, like skull, eyes, arms, and I'm just like, okay, like you need to tell me what wasn't good, you know, but that was hard to hear because everything was good, the only thing that they saw but wouldn't even say that was the reason, is a small like a thin, small vessel in my umbilical cord. So she's like it could have been a blood clot. It could have been, she's like, but it's not definite, so they won't put that as a reason. So basically, I was left with nothing, you know.

Speaker 2: 42:28

So it was like this big, like okay, we're going to get an answer to could be this, might be not have a good day, and it was just like, oh, okay. So I mean, the good part of that was I was clear to get pregnant. There was nothing that they saw. They just said they would put me on aspirin because of the small, you know, tube thing, whatever I don't know the medical term, so I'm using terms for those who aren't doctors. They just said we'll put you on aspirin to keep the blood thin in case. That's what it was, but they're like we know you can carry to term.

Speaker 2: 43:04

So there's nothing that we see and like, something kept popping up about, like a heart shape uterus that had never heard with my son, but the OBGYN that did my fibroid surgery was like yeah, it was heart shapes and I was like, huh, but no one said anything but this pregnancy, like everybody kept commenting on it. So I was like, okay, I think I'm ready, Like it's been a year, like I, you know I'm, let's try. So I got pregnant at the end of August and it was just, it was so emotional, it was so emotional. It was one of those like I was so happy. But then it brought me back to, you know, not having my daughter, because if we had her here I wouldn't be pregnant, because two is cool for us. You know, only ever wanted to if I was able. And so it got pregnant. And then I was just like, okay, like we got this, we got this, like it's good, like I was just trying to be happy and I was happy, I was so happy.

Speaker 2: 44:05

And then, about two days after I took the test, I started bleeding. So I was like, okay, here we go. And I had blood with my fur or with my second pregnancy, so not necessarily anything to worry about, cause my bleeding with her had nothing to do with anything. So, and I hear spotting is normal all the time. But I'm like I was like I don't know, this is pretty heavy for spotting, like it doesn't seem like spotting. So my doctor's like just waited out. She's like, when it stops, take a pregnancy test and we'll go from there. And I was like okay. So I took a pregnancy test when it stopped and it was negative. So I had a miscarriage. So it was just kind of like okay, but that seems so little compared to what we went through. So it was almost like I was like okay. And my husband's like are you all right? I said yeah, I was like we've been through so much worse, like I'm fine, like obviously I had a moment where I cried because it's not what I wanted, but it was just like okay, that's fine, we got this.

Speaker 2: 45:08

So I went for another ultrasound to make sure that everything was clear and I didn't need to go to the hospital for anything and everything was good. And then the doctor said something about a T-shaped uterus and I'm like what is happening? I'm like what is this? So he I was supposed to go back because he wanted to do the ultrasound himself to look like live, not look at pictures. So he's like, cause it could be a shadow, whatever. So I was like a T-shaped. I'm like I thought it was a heart shape. I'm like heart and T are not the same shape. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 45:40

So this Saturday I was supposed to. I had my period and I got a cold and they had this like big sign on their office the last time I was there, like if you're sick, like don't come in. So I called them and I was like I have a cold. They're like okay, well, the doctor's going away for a month for a conference. I was like, oh, okay, so I'm just waiting. I was actually going to call them today to reschedule because I think he should be back. Just I didn't want to get pregnant again until he took a look at the ultrasound, cause apparently this guy is like like the guy for women's health and uterus and all women things related. So I kind of want him to just take a look, because I'm just wondering if that has something to do with anything. Right, like there's so many questions still. So I'm just going to wait and see and then, you know, keep trying.

Speaker 2: 46:31

I guess it's one of those things. You know, I know I see us as a two kid family, like I just I just do and well, two earth side kids. I should say, you know, but it's been a journey and honestly, you know, people say like I don't know how you do it, I don't know how you do it and honestly, it's just, it's gratitude, it's being thankful for so many other things that are here. And you know, just putting into perspective, like I said, like our daughter chose me because I needed it and I could handle it. You know, and you know she, I, like I said, I want to tell this story over and over and over again. I want people to know that it's so normal, it's so sad, but it's so normal and you're not alone and there's so many women that can help and, you know, just be there with you and you know, so that's my story.

Speaker 2: 47:32

With it, I say I'm thankful she chose me, I'm thankful that I got to spend that time with her and, you know, even holding her it was just. It was so surreal and just a crazy moment and I was like, I know, like you picked me for a reason. So I will make sure that I do something with this and that's what I've been trying to do Now that I can talk about it. You know, like for a while I couldn't speak without like sobbing, so it was just like no point on talking about this because you can't even understand what I'm saying. But now I can talk about it with you know, still tears, but I can talk through them. So I just put it into that, like I wouldn't want her to have passed through anybody else, like I am thankful she chose me, I'm grateful and you know she saved me.

Speaker 2: 48:25

I needed that, you know I needed her to do that for me and you know, so many things have changed and I've met so many amazing people and you, you know, like in Kathleen and becoming part of that group, like it's just, it's crazy what spirals and you know what comes from things if you have an open mind and if you let it, you know, and so that's my mission right now is to just spread the word and help as many women as I can and, you know, teach gratitude, like, because I know it sounds so simple but it is, you know. You know you know we attract, we attract what we, you know, think about and what we are and what we see. And gratitude has literally, and Kathleen and this whole community has literally, you know, mentally, saved my life, cause I really don't know if I didn't have that, if I didn't know how to, you know, have gratitude and have the, you know, manifesting mind and the just that knowledge and awareness. I guess it'd be awareness. I don't know what version would be here right now. It'd probably be a not good one. You know there's alcoholism in my family. I rarely drink, it's just not my thing. But I think about that. You know, like, if I let it consume me, would I be an alcoholic mother to my kid? Would I be a terrible wife? Would I be terrible to myself, like just the you know alcohol in my body, like hurting me and you know so I'm just very grateful that I have the mindset and the you know awareness to not do that. Yeah, so basically, I just, you know, I'm very thankful that I have this community and the mindset that I do to not fall into, you know, a deep depression, drinking, you know that kind of thing. So, yeah, it's been a journey and I definitely am on the other side of it in terms of like I'm just.

Speaker 2: 50:36

I just want to share, you know, and help as many people, and men too. You know, like I said earlier, the guys get forgotten in this. It's all about moms, but they're there too. You know there's obviously certain aspects. My husband can't feel that. I feel like the actual physical part, the bonding with our daughter for, you know, seven months prior, like there's things they don't know, but they still lost the child. They still, you know, go through that part of it. So yeah, I just want to share my story as much as I can now I'm ready and just share how I deal with it daily.

Speaker 2: 51:15

And it's not something that goes away. It's not like, oh, I'm healed. You know I still have days where I cry sometimes and you know then that's okay. You know, you just carry on and you know, go into that gratitude and just think of anything. And I think people overcomplicate gratitude and think it has to be like some big. Well, I don't have anything to be thankful for because nothing big happened, but, like I said, it could be. The sun's out today I smiled, today I had a moment with myself and just had a coffee. Like they don't have to be massive. Like, you know, big, huge things, it's just little, there's just little things and it spirals and I just hope to share that with everybody because it's honestly again, I can't stress it enough it saved my life, like 100%.

Speaker 1: 52:06

It's a story, it's a story.

Speaker 1: 52:08

And Diane, I honestly want to commend you for your bravery because obviously it is the unimaginable and for you to be able to share, and you know I felt your heart through the whole, the whole conversation. I even had tears for anyone because you won't see the video of this there were tears, ed, but like I am, I like for someone that has not experienced that I could feel you through this whole conversation and I just I wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your story and I really do believe that when we go through some of the unimaginable things, the growth that you have is something to also like commend, that you have the awareness to know that your daughter came to you for a reason. You have the awareness to know you persisted through a year of waiting and now there are systems that are gonna be in place which for me, from someone in the outside, I think like that is something to be grateful for, like no, you shouldn't have had to experience that, but something at least better can come from a situation, so no one else has to experience that, and I love that you want to share your story, like I think that is so important for someone on the opposite side of the spectrum, of teaching women about mindset and their fertility, because they can't conceive naturally and they're frustrated or they've gone through lots of other emotional impacts as well. Our mindset and gratitude really does change so much, and the fact that you want to share your story is just that touches my heart, because I deal with people all the time that feel like they are so alone, and this is a very opposite end of the spectrum of where absolutely you feel alone. And for you to even say, like a doctor said, like this happens daily, like that's shocking and it does need to be known.

Speaker 1: 54:17

And I know at the beginning of the conversation before I hit record, like we were talking about statistics of miscarriages one in four. That is not talked about. Infertility is like one in eight, pre-mes is one in eight. All different things that are just not talked about are two taboo. But I guess the one question that I have for you so anyone that's listening what specifically in gratitude or what advice would you tell someone to start with gratitude and how it ultimately saved you?

Speaker 2: 54:52

So I just started honestly, every morning when I got up I just sat with myself for a second and I didn't put too much pressure. Because there's different ways to do gratitude right. There's just saying I'm thankful for this, and then there's really feeling it, and then there's all different levels. But I just started out simple, because some days we're hard to get up. I just started so simple. Sometimes I would just do it in bed before I woke up.

Speaker 2: 55:23

I didn't write it down at first, it was just, you know, sat with myself and I'm like what am I grateful for today? And if the sun was out, I was just like it's sunny. I woke up today. I have my family, I have friends, I have, you know, like the littlest things. It didn't have to be anything major. And then at night, before I went to bed, I was just like I smiled. Today. Somebody made me smile. Today, you know, there's hope that I will find happiness again. You know I smiled, I. You know the sun was out. Today I had a coffee because for a little while I couldn't eat or drink. I was just like so sick about what happened, you know. And I ate today.

Speaker 2: 56:05

I had a visitor today, like it really doesn't have to be complicated. Find one little thing and I know sometimes it's easy to be like I'm not grateful for anything, like look what happened, I'm not grateful for anything, but there's always something and you know, maybe you're grateful you had a safe delivery, you know, cause that was something that went through my mind what is happening, something happens to me during this, you know, and, yeah, just start small If you have other kids, like I'm thankful that I am a mom, that I do get to experience, cause some women experience this and come home to nothing, come home to an empty house with a nursery maid. Cause I was almost 30 weeks when this happened. And it's weird, cause I always had a weird feeling about that pregnancy. Never would have pegged it for what happened, but I just I couldn't get into that pregnancy.

Speaker 2: 57:02

It was such a bizarre feeling. But yeah, I just think you find anything, like my favorite show was on TV today, like it really doesn't have to be complicated at first, because it is going to be hard. It is going to be hard to say you're grateful for something when your world just shattered. So just keep it so simple to start and just pick three things in the morning and three things at night and build upon it because they'll start to show up more and I know like for me I'm just lucky that I had that, because I know somebody told me that I probably would have been like go away.

Speaker 2: 57:43

You know you feel like no, nothing makes me happy right now, like are you insane? So that's why I'm also thankful that I went through this, because I can, you know, tell people like honestly I know it sounds crazy, but I've been through it. You can find things to be grateful for in the beginning. I promise you can. And even if it's like my warm blanket, like it doesn't have to be complicated, keep it simple. Just find three things in the morning, three things at night, and it'll grow from there. So you will see it grow for sure.

Speaker 1: 58:17

And I also really love that you talked about the duality that you can still find gratitude while you're grieving.

Speaker 2: 58:24

And that was the hardest part. That was that was hard. Yeah, because we're always taught like no, if you're grieving and you're upset, that's what you are, but it's not, you know. And Kathleen recommended a book to me. Happier than God, yep, I love that one that changed everything. So if anybody wants to go get that book Um, who's dealing with anything like this? Like, that book explained to me how I can grieve and be happy at the same time. That was the book that I was like, oh, okay, I can. I can still be grateful for this life and be at my core, you know, abundant in and not not just abundant in money, but just abundant in life, and Be thankful and smile While still grieving. And that was the book that made that make sense. So, if you are struggling and going through what I went through, that book is it helped so much, so much, yeah.

Speaker 1: 59:23

Honestly, like just yeah, I'm. I feel like I'm at a loss for words because, like I'm, just I'm so proud of you for sharing this and it needs to be shared. I don't like that fertility or pregnancy after loss or stillbirth is taboo or why dare you talk about it? And Also, before we pressed record weird, we were talking about a bereavement leave. I feel so passionately, whether it is a miscarriage, a stillbirth, you as the caring person, even even the husband, or even your partner, depending on your family dynamic you, you, you know you were excited about this. You felt love, you felt gratitude that you know you get to be at this stage in your life and then it's gone and you know what. The fact that you Were so strong, like you still showed up for your son every single day through. You know, I get choked up saying, like, the unimaginable like, and I like it. Just, women are incredibly strong people and we do not get the credit for how strong we are and the things that we persist through and Still have to show up, even when you just want to stay in bed all day and scream and cry and say why the did this happen to me? So, yeah, I can't say it more than enough of just like thank you for sharing this and my heart absolutely goes to you and I honestly for anyone that's listening there is you.

Speaker 1: 1:00:57

It is okay to have duality. You know, in no way, shape or form, can I compare any part of my story or journey to Diane's, but I have. You know, gratitude in so many ways took me out of deep dark holes that were happening in my life and I couldn't understand why things were happening the way they were. But I could still be grateful for certain things in my life and that just tip the scales enough to make the day better, versus being in the environment where a lot of undesirable situations are going on, where you feel like you don't necessarily have control. And when Diane talks about Kathleen, she is an absolute beautiful powerhouse of a woman, but she talks about your awareness and as a like, as myself, as a fertility mindset coach, I teach mindset to people and how so much of you, like the power you hold within you, can help. And gratitude is such an amazing tool and it's such a tipping point For so many aspects and the fact that you know I know people that have given up on their journey, that have not gone through what you want through and the fact that you still want to have another baby is Incredible, and the fact that you can dive into gratitude when you I don't know if it was a Story of yours that I was watching or if it was an interview or something, but you had talked about, like you said, like you know, I don't want to forget her.

Speaker 1: 1:02:26

I'm not doing this to forget her and I thought like I love that you were sharing that. I love, love, love, love, love what you're doing and I love that you want to teach gratitude like I. Just I'm gonna be a broken record a hundred times over, but I just honestly, I commend you, I think it's incredible, I commend your bravery for sharing such a hard topic and like just you yourself are a beautiful light being and the fact that you know so many people could have taken that year wait period and and gone on a destructive path or have you know, been Incredibly angry or said things or done things you just you composed yourself in such a beautiful way and Like just yeah, I'm like, I'm in awe, I'm in complete awe of you so I definitely have a new purpose.

Speaker 2: 1:03:21

So Thank you for allowing me to start that purpose into to share, because it's just something that I just don't think talked about enough. And you know, like you said, I think women are just, we just do things because we have to and there's no credit given of how hard that actually is. It's not easy and yeah, I just I'm excited to share now. You know it has purpose, it has meaning. I want to help people, so it's definitely a new path, but I, you know, I'm so excited.

Speaker 1: 1:03:58

And anyone that wants to. I will have in in my show notes. I will have all the links to Diane and She'll provide me the links and stuff to her muller bracelets. They're absolutely beautiful, by the way actually made one for Rachel.

Speaker 2: 1:04:11

So they used a like baby pink and baby purple blanket and hat. So I actually have it on that. I don't know if you'll be able to like see it. See it, but it's like light purple beads and then rose quartz. So that's my Rachel bracelet. It's on my website too, so I have my bracelet for her. That makes me smile, so that is so beautiful.

Speaker 1: 1:04:33

Honestly, I feel like I could talk to you for hours. You're just, you are a gem and like I mean that with my whole heart. Like I'm, I Love how the universe connects people and brings us together. I'm so happy that I saw you a couple weeks ago and I was like you need to be on my podcast. Yes, because the past version of me would have been like shy, quiet and be like okay, well, I think I know her, but that's okay.

Speaker 2: 1:05:00

No, I'm so, I'm so happy you did, because this is exactly you want again manifestation and Abundance and and all the things. I was like no, I want to be on people's podcast. I want to spread the word, I want to help as many women as I can Through gratitude and through mindset, because it's it's single-handedly you know I'll say it a million times more you know it's single-handedly saved my life. So I want people to know about this. I want people to practice it, like just trust the process like it works, like it's and it's not complicated I think everybody over complicates everything and it's not complicated to start. Anyway, you know, and I just yeah, I'm just, I'm so ready and I'm so thankful that you said something to me and that we are here Because it's it's just yeah, I just needs to be talked about.

Speaker 2: 1:05:53

It's just not, it's life. It happens all the time, like when I went back to talk to nurse Rachel, there was a girl walking out of the same room I did, balling her eyes out because she lost her baby and she was Very pregnant. So I'm just like, oh, my god, like it literally happens every day, you know. So I just want to, I want to save the world. You know I want to help as many women and men and families and Just to know it's okay, like it will be okay. I promise and you know Grief Christ cream, do all the things, do them, you know I do them, but just make some time for gratitude because I promise it will. It will change everything. Yeah, don't change everything.

Speaker 1: 1:06:43

It's honestly, it's just yeah, and I think the things that you shared in Like with your journey, just like I wouldn't like I didn't even experience it but I didn't even think of, like you have to make funeral arrangements, that you know that your body Still produced milk after your baby was gone, like all of those things, and the fact that you know Was there not a medication to instantly dry you up, or did they not give you tips or tricks on like things like even Like cabbage leaves, anything to help dry you up faster?

Speaker 1: 1:07:19

But I think this just also brings an awareness of things like when you're completely numb, you don't even know where you what to think of can happen next, or it's completely unimaginable. I wouldn't have even think. I know, yes, a baby has to come out at the end, but I thought like, oh my gosh, you had to give birth. Like. Like just even my mind, and I'm not someone that went through it, and I think the awareness of what you went through is so important for other people to hear as well, because like even watching the belly go down.

Speaker 2: 1:07:53

I was very close to full-term, like I would like. I said I was almost 30 weeks, like I was pregnant and Watching the belly go down and down, or even the first couple weeks, you know, still looking Pregnant and not wanting to go outside because I don't want someone to ask me what I'm do, because I still look pregnant and then I have to tell them oh, my baby died. Like you know, there's all that like again, like we should talk again because there's so many like avenues you can go down with things that you don't think of you know, or Some people played it off that that was another thing that upset me.

Speaker 2: 1:08:29

Some people played it off and I'm like no, I held my daughter. This wasn't like a like I Don't even know how to explain it because I don't want to disrespect anyone, because I've had a miscarriage too but, like with my miscarriage, there was nothing, it was all just. You know what I mean. Like the cells, it. I didn't see anything, I whatever right, but like this was a baby, like she was a full-blown baby with fingers and toes, and like if I sent a picture you wouldn't think she wasn't fine, you know what I mean. Like. So that's what I think people need to realize. Is that like no, like none of you were there. Like I held her, she was a full-blown baby, she didn't look weird, she didn't look deformed, she didn't look like she wasn't Ready, she looked like a preemie baby and it's just like.

Speaker 2: 1:09:18

I think that's something that the outside has to really understand. Mm-hmm, is that these are babies? Yeah, these aren't cells, these aren't, like you know, a DNC and it's not to to knock that. That's traumatizing. You know, I have my cousin had a lot of trouble getting pregnant and had To terminate one because it was, it was a topic, yeah, but like, but now she just had a baby and a A few months back now and he's amazing and it was like I'm so over the moon for her. But those are traumatizing too, you know. I'm not taking that away, but I think a lot of people didn't Weren't really thinking I'm like, no, I held her. I held her in my arms, like this was a full-blown baby, and I think that's something else that people have to understand when dealing with somebody that this had, that has gone through this. These are real babies. These aren't miscarriages, these aren't and again, not to knock that because that's traumatizing, but just to understand the level of what a stillbirth is. People don't think, they just think, oh, like, yeah, like a miscarriage, and it's like no, no, I gave birth to a baby. I felt her come out. There was silence. I held her like no, this is a baby, you know, and I also.

Speaker 2: 1:10:39

I want to help people, talk to people that have been through this, because so many people like I don't know what to say to you and I said perfect, I don't either. So just be here, you don't have to say anything, just be here. We can just normally talk. What did you do today? You know, I think everyone thinks they have to say the right thing and you know, just you'll. You'll know by the person you're talking to where they want to go. You'll know if they don't want to talk about it. You'll know if they do want to talk about it. They'll give you signs of where they want the conversation to go and just be normal with them.

Speaker 2: 1:11:13

Just be normal, you know, have compassion. Bring them food. That was the biggest thing, because I didn't want to cook, I didn't want to do anything. Bring them food, just be normal. And, you know, gauge the conversation by what they're giving you, because a lot of people don't want to talk about it, but the person that's happening to, all they want to do is just talk about it and no one's Engaging in that. So then you start to feel like no one cares because no one's asking, no one wants to talk about it, but they're just not talking about it because they don't want to upset you.

Speaker 1: 1:11:43

So it's just like a circle.

Speaker 2: 1:11:45

Just gauge the conversation by what the person's giving you.

Speaker 2: 1:11:49

If they mention the baby, talk about it, because they want to talk about it if they keep changing the subject or they're talking about stuff where you're just like why are they talking about that? Just go with it, you know, gauge where that person is, bring them food and just be. Be normal, be the normal relationship that you have with them. That would be one thing I would say to people Dealing with you. Know somebody that has lost a child that way, because it's it's tough. You don't know what to say. So I would just say be yourself, just be that person.

Speaker 1: 1:12:20

I think that's amazing advice because, honestly, people don't know what to say and I, I honestly, truly believe that a lot of people don't allow their mind to go to the unimaginable. So they're they. They chalk it up to something lesser than what it is and Because, you know what, for someone that has given birth, I could not imagine actually Going through, and it was it. Was it oxytocin that you were hooked up to?

Speaker 2: 1:12:49

I don't know if those oxytocin or is there. Is there another one? There's two kinds.

Speaker 1: 1:12:54

I'm sure it doesn't matter there's there's lots of different things, but just stronger than the other, I was told.

Speaker 2: 1:13:00

Okay, but that sounds familiar.

Speaker 1: 1:13:02

It might be that, but just being hooked up and Like sitting there and then having an epidural, like it's the whole process of Bringing something into the world, whether it's you know you're, your beautiful daughter was alive or she had passed. You still have to do all the actions and I think so many people don't know how to deal with that or how to let their mind go there, and chalking it up to something lesser than what it is Is just a way that they can feel better about themselves, because they don't want to feel that pain or resonate with that pain. So I think it's incredible that I get it. Yeah, you know.

Speaker 2: 1:13:39

I know people mean well when they do that, but You're not helping the other person because how that made, how that made I won't speak for everybody but how that made me feel as that they didn't care. You know certain people be like, oh, like, when you are you gonna go back to work, are you gonna do this? And I'm like I what? Like you just go away, like what, or like, oh well, you have Jake, so everything's good. And I'm like Like you don't. You don't say anything like that Because, like, exactly like you said, there's stuff that all leads up to that.

Speaker 2: 1:14:16

It's not just like, oh hey, I had a stillbirth. I had to go through the mental and physical of birth. I had to go through the mental and physical of leaving with a box and not a baby. I had to go through the physical of walking out of labor and delivery and having everybody just kind of like side-eyeing and staring because everybody knows what just happened. You know there's so many things, not just the actual loss of the baby. There's so many other things that come with it. You know, and I've had people be like, oh, you're so quiet.

Speaker 2: 1:14:52

Like what do you want to say? I have nothing. Like go away, go away, you know, and it's stuff like that. Like don't say that to people, like don't tell them, they're quiet, just go with what they're going. Like I had my best friend who was with me at the manifest event. She would come over and we would just sit in silence, you don't have to say anything, just her being there was comforting to me and she would make me food and we would just sit. And then the next time she came we were all laughs and we were telling jokes and we were just in that moment where I let myself laugh. And then the next time we sat in silence. Like you don't have to say anything, but just don't ridicule them and don't point things out. Like, oh, you're quiet today. Well, yeah, I am quiet today and I'm allowed to be.

Speaker 1: 1:15:43

Honestly, like grief is not linear by any means. It comes and goes and you can even have moments you know, 10 years from now, 20 years, 30 years from now yeah, I'm sure I will. You know, and I think that's what other people need to understand about grief and a healing journey that, in again, it's that duality of you can still hold this massive amount of grief and still find gratitude in your life. You can still do things, but never forget that this is part of your story, this is part of you and, yes, you know, years down the road, like she's not gone. She may not be here or side. She is with you every day and my dresser.

Speaker 1: 1:16:27

I see her and that's you know. There's another woman that she was only. She was 10 weeks when she lost her baby, so she didn't have to do the whole process, but she named her and every time she sees a rainbow, you know she's like oh, she's with me today and she openly talks about her and I just you know like every time I see her post on social media, I send her like I love, I love that you are sharing that because she is part of you, this is a part of your story and I think people, the way we're conditioned or the way we're brought up, it's like you need to compartmentalize that grief. Don't talk about it, so I don't have to feel it, I don't have to think about it, and I think it is something that is so incredibly powerful to talk about and so incredibly powerful to say. You know what? This was part of my story. And even 30 years from now, if you have a moment where you break down and cry, that's okay, that is absolutely okay. That is you know, that's okay.

Speaker 2: 1:17:26

For sure, and like with me every time I see Daisy. So her birth flower is a Daisy and Daisy's come up in the strangest places where I'm like, no, that's her Cause. There's no reason for a Daisy to be there. Like it's her. And you know, when I'm trying to make a big decision on something or when I'm just like feeling blah, like I see Daisy's in the strangest places and it's so cool. So like Daisy's is my thing and that's why that Instagram is the Daisy collective, because it's just a place that I want to start. You know, sharing that and just you know, for both sides, for people that have people that they know that I've gone through this and how they can help instead of making it worse not on purpose, but you know, so many times people are like well, this time next year you'll. I'm like I was like please, like, please stop. You know again, everybody means well, but I promise you that doesn't help. It just doesn't help. You know, this time next year what we're all cured and we don't think about it anymore.

Speaker 2: 1:18:33

No, you know, and everyone heals different times. So this time next year that person may feel the exact same. It may take them a couple of years to be themselves again, and that's okay, you know. To put that timeline to be like, oh, this time next year you'll feel better, that's putting a timeline on somebody and they might not work that fast. A year's not a long time, like when we think of like we're almost in November.

Speaker 2: 1:18:58

I think that's crazy, you know. And to think like April, april 26th, is when everything, or the 28th, oh my God, I can't even think right now, but like talking so much, it'll be two years, two years, like that's crazy to me that two years have gone by since that and I remember it like it was yesterday, like the details I remember are crazy and it's just like I can't even believe. Like two years have gone by and it can still make me cry the same way it did on the first day. And that's why I say like don't put timeframes on people and say, well, this time next year it'll be better. Like don't do that, you know, because it might not be better for them. It depends how they work, it depends if they get help, it depends, like there's so many things it depends on and you know, and that's like I said, that's part of why I wanted to do this too, to help others of what not to say, because you know people mean well, you know, no one says anything to hurt people, but some stuff unintentionally hurts people and doesn't make them feel good.

Speaker 2: 1:20:13

So, like I want to help with that aspect too, like how to help people grieving from something like this. You know, and even me and my cousin, like the bond we have now over this and we've always been close, but like that's been amazing, cause now we can talk to each other for whole pregnancy. I'm like how are you? How are you? What are you feeling today? Because it's emotional. You know, having failed pregnancies after failed pregnancies and can't get pregnant and they tried not IVF. What's the other one?

Speaker 1: 1:20:44

IUI.

Speaker 2: 1:20:45

IUI. Yeah, they tried that. It didn't work and their son now was completely natural, all by themselves on their honeymoon which is a fun story, you know, and he's awesome, you know, and I'm so happy for her and I tried to help her the best way that I could. You know, just again, think positive, be grateful, picture him coming home, picture him in the house, in the bedroom, you know they got his room ready and he's awesome, and you know I'm so thankful, but I knew what to say and what not to say. I wish I didn't, but I did, you know. But I want to help people with that too, like I can help you, help people that are going through this, because there's just certain cliche things that I would just say avoid at all costs, cause it doesn't help. You know, and, yeah, I just so, I'm so excited.

Speaker 2: 1:21:42

I feel like this is like the official, like launch of of that new. You know, like this is the first time that you know a stranger quote unquote a stranger has, you know, been like come do this. You know, cause, like with Melissa, I've known her for a while but still amazing. But I feel like this is like the first official, like okay, we're doing this Like we're talking to people, we're sharing, we're going to help people, like let's do this, and like with mindset stuff, I don't want it to be like just you know, stillbirth. I don't want to focus on that.

Speaker 2: 1:22:18

It's definitely at my core and I definitely will be talking about it and helping, but I just want to spread mindset in general, like just it can help so many aspects of your life. But I definitely, obviously this is a huge part of who I am now, so I'm so happy to be able to share it and help anybody that will listen, cause it's it's tough, you know. I won't even pretend. You know it's a tough thing to go through. It's a mind game that you don't want to play, you know, and but we can find joy, we can do things that you know. I've had some of my best laughs this year, you know, and I think it's because I have put my daughter in a spot in my life where it makes sense, you know, and that she's with me. Now I feel protected all the time because I have someone watching me.

Speaker 2: 1:23:15

I'm, you know, I'm doing things that scare me, cause I'm like, well, she's here, she's watching me, she's not going to let me follow my face, like we got this, you know. So it's just, it's a journey I'm so excited to share.

Speaker 1: 1:23:27

So, again, thank you so much for letting me do this, cause, yeah, it's the official launch, where we've launched yeah, and honestly, like I think your story can help so many people, I think like I've got like a million thoughts going on in my head right now I'm telling you we're going to have to do a part two for sure.

Speaker 1: 1:23:47

I know I know, but it just, it's just the strength that you have. I think you can also teach other women to have the strength by using your mindset and diving into gratitude, and I think maybe that's what we'll do as part two when we put you on the stepping into your podcast. We're going to talk about the strength that you kind of cultivated, because my gosh like for you to have an awareness and for you to flip the perspective of like yes, this is beyond the unimaginable that has happened to me. But I now want to do this. I now want to, you know, pivot my life path a little bit and, you know, share and do.

Speaker 1: 1:24:28

What you're doing is like, it is beyond incredible and I'm so proud of you and I'm so thankful and it's just. People need to understand what mindset and gratitude can really do for you, that it can bring you out of, like, the deepest of darkest places, and that it's okay to talk about the unimaginable happening to you. It doesn't have to be taboo, it doesn't have to be quiet, it doesn't have to be shy, because the fact is, when like again, without sounding like a broken record, when you said the doctor said like this happens daily, I thought no, this can't happen daily and I think you know we're both in two worlds where you feel so incredibly alone because you don't have that community that you can talk to and no one wants to be part of that community.

Speaker 2: 1:25:22

It's a club we did not sign up for.

Speaker 1: 1:25:25

Yeah, like, and that, honestly, that's what I say to my fertility clients is like I know you did not ask to sign up to be, you did not ask for this library card to be part of here, but yeah, and absolutely the whole opposite end of it of everything that you've gone through. I commend you for sharing I'm yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:25:45

It feels good like, selfishly, it helps me heal too. You know, the more I talk about it, the more you know. If someone says to me oh, I listened and that helped me so much, thank you Like that's what I am doing this for to help others. But there is a selfish part that also helps me heal more and more too.

Speaker 2: 1:26:04

So it's just a big old, like you know, community and you know, and I want people to use it for everything, not just grieving, not just just, you know, like I said, we can do a part two or just talk more about that. But yeah, it's something that I swore you know and it was something that happened so fast. When I got home and I was like, okay, I was like you know what I was, like, we are gonna do something with this. I said I'm not, I'm not just a statistic, I'm not just gonna sit here, and I had some mindset work, like Bob Proctor stuff before. So I'm very thankful for that too, because that's kind of what got me going. And I was like, okay, let's think about this for a second, you know, and I just, yeah, I feel like as easy as it is to go into a depression.

Speaker 2: 1:26:58

It's that easy to go the other way. Yeah, if you make that choice right. It's all about decisions and I truly I know some people will be like, no, no, you're wrong and that's fine. But you know, I've been through a lot in my life that has nothing to do with this, and you know losing a child and holding a child that's not breathing, that's enough to send you into a downward spiral. That's enough to not want to get out of bed. That's enough to drink and just not give a crap about anybody around you, and it would be warranted. Nobody would be mad at you for it.

Speaker 2: 1:27:38

But it's that easy to go the other way. It's that easy to take two seconds and be like, okay, it's hard for me today, but what am I thankful for? My pillow, my pillow, my pillow. And I'm like cool, you know, like it's that easy to go the other way too, and obviously always get help. If you need help, like there's, you're not alone, you know. Any one can reach out to me at any time. I'm, you know, I just I want to help and it's time in my journey to step out and to do that, and hopefully I'll have a pregnancy journey to share too, because that would also be enjoyable.

Speaker 1: 1:28:20

Yeah, I just yeah, diane, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm glad that we connected. I am honestly like I have a little book besides my bed that says like what magic did I witness today? And I write down all synchronicities and it's you know what. I don't know how you came into my space, but I started following you and then I was like you know, I saw you manifest. I'm like I need you, my podcast. I really believe that there's synchronicities everywhere, so I honestly journal them.

Speaker 2: 1:28:55

How crazy is that, though Like a random event in Toronto with a lot of people, it wasn't like a thousand person event, like it was an intimate event in. Toronto and I was behind you in a line, yep.

Speaker 1: 1:29:11

That's crazy. Yeah, honestly, it was just. Yeah, I can't explain it. There's no way you can explain it. That was manifested for sure, absolutely, and I just, and I honestly encourage everyone put a journal beside your bed and write down whatever title you want, an evidence journal, the magic you witness today. Start documenting the synchronicities you see in life and you will start to connect dots on how you know people or places or things come in, like I from your story.

Speaker 1: 1:29:41

I believe Rachel was there for you for that reason, like your nurse, rachel, because she made that experience so much better for you. And like I got very choked up when you told me that you named your daughter after the nurse. I was like that is beyond amazing. That is like oh, but yes, before I would talk on for another like three hours, honestly, yeah, thank you, thank you, Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing your story so honestly and openly and it is incredibly brave of you to share and I'm proud of you and I'm thankful for you and really we need to stay connected but, like, have the most amazing, amazing day.

Speaker 2: 1:30:22

Thank you, you too.

Speaker 1: 1:30:26

If you found this helpful or know anyone that needs to hear this, please share and don't forget to leave a review and subscribe. In love and gratitude, Jessica.