Hey, Hey, Welcome back!
Strap in as I take a heart-stirring ride through the emotional labyrinth of triggers. When embarking on this journey, triggers such as those unexpected pregnancy announcements on social media, that routine drive to the clinic, or even seeing the clinic phone number show up. I discuss how they can be managed and understood through the simple act of journaling. We'll delve into the raw emotions - the fear, isolation, and even resentment that often lurk in the corners of this journey and discover how the power of thoughts, the law of attraction, can be harnessed to bolster our spirits and keep us moving forward.
We also take you through my journey of shifting perspectives and overcoming hurdles during this trying phase. The revelation about feeling 'not enough' and its profound impact that stretched beyond the fertility journey was eye-opening. I shared how preparing for doctor's appointments, asking the right questions, and constantly reminding myself of my worth helped me wrangle those feelings of frustration and anger.
The final leg of our journey emphasizes the importance of finding joy in unexpected places, releasing emotional triggers, and the transformation that results from a potent mix of hope, faith, love, and gratitude. I talk about making memories in the unlikeliest places, handling the roller-coaster ride of emotions and how a shift in mindset can change everything. So hop on for this empowering dialogue that can potentially turn things around for you just like it did for me.
In Love and Gratitude
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Welcome to the Fertility Mind podcast. I am your host, jessica Friesen, a certified fertility mindset coach, a sound healer and an international best-selling author. My mission for this podcast is to give you weekly episodes where you hear my own success with IVF and how mindset and manifestation changed it all for me. You will also hear from my guests who share their success stories in the fertility world. I want you to know that you are not alone, even when things feel tough and when things feel like they aren't going your way. The tools and techniques you will get in this podcast, I know, can change everything for you too. So thanks for being here with me today and let's dive in. Hello and welcome back. Today I want to talk to you about triggers and I want to give you mindset tools to help ease through those triggers and ultimately, at the end, to be able to release those triggers. Because the whole thing with your fertility journey, I want to guide you in a way that you can start feeling joy right now and not being at a place where you have to wait till you hear the news that you're finally pregnant, if you haven't made it to the point of seeing a pregnancy test or getting the news from your beta that you're pregnant, or you wait till you've hit 12 weeks or 20 weeks, different safety measures in your pregnancy that then you can start breathing, then you can be happy, then you can this. I want you to start being able to do that now. I want you to start focusing your mindset on what it is that you really want instead of focusing on everything that is going on around you that is not working the way you thought or the way that you desired, and there's triggers that get us there. Fear is a trigger, but it's the triggers that I'm talking about is more so, for example, like when you go to your, when you drive to your fertility clinic. Just seeing the same route over and over your body can be triggered of the emotions, depending on the emotional impacts of your journey it can send. You know it's like the floodgate of emotions that are going through you and you can remember every time you've driven there. You can remember, you know the excited the very first time you drove there, filled with so much excitedness and so much hope and all the amazing emotions, and you can also remember they're driving there, you know hearing bad news, or wherever you have been on your journey and the emotional impacts that you've experienced. You can be triggered by pregnancy announcements on social media or however you find out from family or friends and when I say triggers like I, really you know you could, just you can still feel happy for someone but have those feelings of when is it going to be my turn? And especially if you've had friends that they're having their second or third baby and you're still waiting to have your first and you think when is this going to be my time? It can be triggering, it's a floodgate of emotions. Again, depending on everything that you've gone through your journey, you're gonna feel all of the emotional impacts that you felt because you are where you are right now and you know some people are triggered at baby showers or even just the invitation for a baby shower because, again, like I read a lot, but even from my past clients that have had, you know, a later term loss and they were planning their baby shower and things like that, that can be a very big emotional trigger. Even though you're getting an invitation for someone else's, you have that again, that floodgate of emotions that are going through you of I was doing this and here I am with empty arms still. So I could go on and on and on about all the emotional triggers, like the smell of your fertility clinic, hearing your doctor's voice XYZ there's infinite triggers that you would, that you can feel and have. So I want to talk about moving through those triggers and for me, one of those things is I want you to either do voice notes, voice memos or journal when you feel triggered. I want you to understand where this pattern is coming from and, yes, you're instantly gonna say, well, the patterns coming from from my fertility journey, like from the emotional impacts that I've experienced. I am where I am right now. I don't have my desired family and I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for my turn. Yes, listen, just follow. When you journal, you can start connecting the dots, start asking yourself more questions of you know why? Why am I feeling like this? You'll go to the the biggest emotional impact or the most recent one, and journal about how you feel about it. And then I want you to journal. But how would you like to feel when? For example, if you got an invitation to a baby shower? How would you like to feel when you get that versus how you're feeling right now? And I want you to do that for every time you feel triggered, I want you to sit and start to understand how you are feeling. I want you to understand that. You know, maybe some of these feelings even started long before your fertility journey and it it just, those feelings become so much more stronger while you're on your journey because it's patterns, it's thoughts, it's feelings, it's emotional impacts from before. But this is just solidifying absolutely whatever feeling that you're feeling. And I want you to really sit and it's okay for the first little bit of thinking about. You know, if you just sit there and think, you know what, it's okay, there's no right or wrong way of doing that. And I know, when I used to hear there's no right or wrong way of doing it and I used to say, yeah, but I'm sitting here, when I'm trying to journal about my thoughts or feelings from the day, I'm just, I'm sitting here because I was rationalizing with myself, thinking, well, that wasn't a big emotional impact, that was just like a normal day. Oh, no, this than that. And I heard the words there's no right or wrong way of doing this. I'm thinking, okay, fine, I'll just write something to do it to, you know, to do my task. And then it really started be, it started really flowing. Sometimes I would sit there for five minutes thinking what do I write about? And then I started looking up journal prompts of you know what. What do I journal about at the end of the day, besides just how I'm feeling? Because for me that was just too broad. So that's why, when you have an emotional impact, write, have a sticky note or have something that's close to you, whether it's at your desk at work or it's in a bag, and you can just write down something that triggered you throughout the day. Maybe it was someone talking about anything, but it sent you, you felt it in your body and it was that floodgate. Write it down, pick up your phone, do a quick voice note, journal tonight about this feeling, and I just you know. If, for some odd reason, you can't think of anything, that's okay too. I want you to then journal questions like how am I feeling today? How am I feeling about my fertility journey? How do I want to feel about my fertility journey? And if everything was perfect? I had the perfect clinic, the perfect doctor, the perfect amount of money, the perfect medication schedule, everything was perfect. What would that look like for you too. Start journaling questions like that if you didn't have any triggers. But the point of this is to release your emotional triggers, so I'll talk about mine for a minute, just so you kind of get an understanding. So I had when we were on our very first fertility journey. We were with one clinic and I remember driving to my fertility clinic on the first day with my husband, so excited because it was just that like, okay, there is such immense amount of hope that we get to create our family because we are now in the hands of doctors. We know that we can't do it on our own. We're now in the hands of doctors. We are starting the first step in the process. It was exciting, it was amazing, it was beautiful. We got there. We had no idea what to expect. The staff was amazingly friendly and I was like, okay, we are right, exactly where we need to be. I didn't know any questions to ask or what to ask. I just sat there and said, okay, tell me what to do. I'm so excited. And on the drive home I remember feeling like did I ask enough? And I remember hearing the amount of you know a range it could be from XYZ to this and I thought, holy crap, we do not have that kind of money. And that feeling of just despair. And I remember once we, you know my father-in-law gave us a loan and we could start everything again. Driving there was super exciting, super happy, and on the drive home I remember having the feeling of what if this is not going to work, what if we're going to spend all of this money and have to pay it back and we still don't have our desired family. I remember feeling that crushing feeling, that fear, and at that point I hadn't, you know, learned about law of attraction or, you know, gratitude or any of those things. Quickly, within my fertility journey, I learned about the law of attraction. I was, I was listening to audiobooks to fill me up, because I was. I said to my husband I knew that our next appointment that we had to go to because it was, it was on the books of when I would get my, you know, day one or day two of my cycle. I would have to go in and start blood work and start all of these things. And I knew they gave me kind of a broad outline of what it would look like to prepare because I said, you know, like this was in the winter, driving, arranging, you know, my husband coming with me or not being able to come with me because of our schedule with our stepdaughters. So I was mentally preparing for this and I thought I really needed to have something that was going to lift me up. And the first time I had to drive to the fertility clinic by myself, I remember feeling a lot of despair. I felt a lot of I'm doing this alone and I felt a lot of resentment. And I'm being completely frank and honest, it was I was not resenting my husband for who he was or for our situation, but I was presenting the fact that this is our chance to create our family and because we already have a ready made family there is, you know, we both set the rules that we were not going to change our schedules with the girls based off of my schedules. We did not want to uproot them, we did not want them to feel like, you know, their world was going to be upside down just because ours was. And you know we both logically and wholeheartedly had the like open discussions of yes, absolutely no matter when my fertility appointments were, unless it was like an egg retrieval or a transfer day, that blood work and things like that I can do by myself. I'm a big girl, I can do it by myself. My husband didn't need to be there with me and he could get the girls off to school. But because we had that, I never prepared myself for the resentment, the resentment feeling that I felt. I really felt like this isn't fair. I'm doing this a lot by myself and I thought, you know what, if we were able just to be intimate and you know, boom, we're pregnant, like I see everyone else around me, I wouldn't have to be doing this, I wouldn't feel alone, I wouldn't feel isolated, I wouldn't hate getting up at 4 30 in the morning to have a quick shower and then, you know, scoot out the door to get to the clinic for like the crack of 7am, to be the like one of the first people to get our blood drawn, to drive right back to town to get to work on time. And it was just. There was so many emotions. And I remember every time, you know, driving to the clinic, every time I got in the car and I put in the GPS coordinates, even though I knew how to get there. I always just like it in case there was like road closures or things like that. I could just turn it. But as soon as I would type in the address, it was that like I have to do this, it's okay, I can do this. And you know, every time you see Wanda, as many people call in the fertility world when you have to have your internal ultrasound, you see that and you're thinking like, oh my God, okay, I can do this, I can do this, I'm a woman, I can do this. But just even the smell of the fertility clinic not that there was a bad smell by any means, but you, just you walk in, you're like oh my goodness. And I remember just so many times feeling not great emotions. And then, when my fertility clinic closed, finding out on the news, like my mom calling me and say, jesse, turn on the news. And I was like I don't watch the news, she's like turn on the news. And I turned it on and I was like my world was in a complete tailspin. I just had my egg retrieval and I just had a canceled cycle and I was just like my eggs are there, my husband's frozen sperm is that like our embryos were there? My husband's frozen sperm was there, like I was like what is going on? And I'm like we're not pregnant, like what the heck is going on and we've already spent all this money and that's it was that moment, that was an incredible trigger and, to be honest, I still don't watch the news since then, unless you know I'm I really don't watch the news in general, but I, for the longest time after that point, I could not turn on the TV If my husband, if we were to turn on the TV, my husband had to turn it on and make sure it was not on any type of news channel. Like. It was that big of a trigger for me because it was just that my world just came crashing down in a whole new level of what happens now. And because it was after the office hours, no one could call the fertility clinic and say is this true, what is going on? And I remember, you know, getting an email and then, shortly, shortly after, like there was a mass email that was sent out to everyone. And then, shortly after, we got a personalized phone call and I was just like I don't, I don't even know what to do. But I knew that that also meant I was gearing up for another cycle to start because my, my, my cycle had just canceled. So there was so much going on behind the scenes and I don't like to talk about the negative aspects of it, but I think it's also very important to discuss the triggers and discuss a lot of the things that was going on at that point and that's when I really dove into my gratitude that you know we're now in the hands of a new doctor. Yes, we now have to drive up to three hours one way for our clinic, depending on traffic, versus just an hour and it's, you know, our hour drive is far easier than our three hour drive, and I'm not just talking about distance, like just the amount of traffic and things like that. So, and parking, all of those fun things. But I remember just saying you know what? I know I'm going to be a mom. I know that this is working out for me and and will be okay. So there was just kind of a whirlwind of emotions going on and then driving back to that clinic after hearing that news because my doctors, his license was suspended indefinitely, but his wife was still practicing and she took me over. So I remember thinking, okay, we've got this, it's okay, we've got this. But it was just there was emotional impacts after emotional impacts after emotional impacts. Driving to that clinic, like I just I thought of the excited times and how, driving home, I felt disappointed, just with thoughts, just with fears, just with lots of things. And I remember the drive home after they told me that my cycle was canceled and I just thought, oh, so that there's a lot more in that part of the journey. But we'll move forward to my second journey. I had been out of the fertility world for three and a half years, so my twins were three and a half, and we were gearing up to start our secondary fertility journey for our third baby, our second pregnancy. And I remember we were driving to our new clinic and just as soon as we put in the coordinates, I felt this like, oh my God, what if this doesn't work on the first time? And then I thought you know, I have the tools, I've got the mindset. We're with the same doctor that got us pregnant with the twins. We're with the same clinic. I'm sure we're going to do the same medical protocol. So before I even get there, just breathe, it's good. I was using my mindset tools. The rest of the drive was really awesome, with my husband and then I walked into the fertility clinic and seeing the fish tank, seeing how massive the weight room was and seeing all the people in the waiting room with a whack load of different expressions on their face and just feeling that energy, I thought, whoa and I? It brought back every transfer. I had three failed transfers. It brought back every pain. It brought every emotion. It brought back the need Like my I had to do progesterone and oil injections. It brought back all of those emotions and I thought, oh my God, can I do this again? Can I do this again? And I thought am I greedy for wanting to have a second pregnancy? Am I greedy? Am I greedy because I want to have one more baby? And I started diving into my mindset tools and I thought if I were to, if I was able to get pregnant naturally, I would not feel greedy for wanting to have another baby. It would just be a natural process that you know we were growing our family again and but when you're in the fertility world, you know how many people you're grossly aware of, how many people are on a fertility journey, and you were aware of how many people that have had disappointments and that you may actually be one of the lucky ones that have and I don't like to say the lucky ones, but that is what people say to me you are one of the lucky ones that you had a baby. So I'm just trying to follow along with those terms. And so when you go in for a second pregnancy and I knew that there might be a time that I might have to bring my twins along with me and I felt so awful thinking I have to drive them here, they have to sit in appointments with me. But again, I flipped that perspective and I said to them the very first time that they were there and I said, guys, I said this is where you came home. Sorry, I get emotional. I explained to them how they were frozen in time and how mommy and daddy prayed and really understood gratitude and really understood our mindset and how much we loved, you know, being together and how much we really wanted to have a family. And I said and this is the place that you got to come home to mommy and daddy, and they thought it was really cool, so I really liked that that was a part of their story. They actually got to go to the clinic where they were, you know, thawed and implanted and you know they actually got to meet their doctor. I thought that was a really cool thing. But a past version of me and even in all honesty, when I wasn't as practiced, when I was just learning about mindset and manifestation, there were still those thoughts and those fears. I still really cared what people thought of me and I believe I shared it on one episode, on one. The hardest thing was to take your kids to a fertility clinic, especially on Christmas Eve. We were up at 5 am and you know we went to the fertility clinic, we did all of our blood work, we made a really fun excursion out of it and then we came home and we did our family Christmas with like our extended family and got them all excited that Santa was coming that night. And the look that I got from people number one, like on Christmas Eve, you're really bringing your kids here. And number two, you're really bringing your kids to the fertility clinic. How dare you? And a woman even actually said something to me and all I thought was this should give you hope, this should give you hope that it works, that you know, and if I didn't have to bring my children to the fertility clinic? I wouldn't. But our drive was three hours away, two and a half without traffic, so I had no one to watch my children on Christmas Eve early in the morning. So they did have to come along and that again, for me was triggers, just seeing people's faces and feeling their energy. So and then, you know, driving to the clinic. After my first failed transfer, when we were trying for our second pregnancy, I remember again I was completely triggered. I was like I've already done this so many times before. This is my fourth failed transfer. Now I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I can do and just walking into that clinic I just thought we had the same medical protocol, we had the same doctor. I don't know what's going on, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. And anyway, I could go on and on, and on, and on and on about triggers. But how I moved past them was flipping my perspective and journaling and really asking myself how do I wanna feel when I go into my fertility clinic? How do I wanna feel when I talk to my doctor? How do I wanna feel versus how I'm feeling? But it is also very important to understand how you were feeling. I was feeling devastated, I was feeling frustrated, I was feeling angry, I was feeling resentment that I had to be on a fertility journey and I couldn't just have sex with my husband and be pregnant, that we had to spend so much money and we had to travel a long distance just for blood work and ultrasounds and the whole nine yards. So I understood how I was feeling and I also started to understand the feeling for me. Like I've said, I feel like almost every episode I really struggled with the feeling of not enough. I really struggled with the feeling not enough and that really did stem back to my childhood and I know that it was never anyone's intention to make me feel that way. But I started seeing and I could actually identify, the first time I can remember, really not feeling like I was enough. And once you identify that feeling, I saw how that feeling not enough transpired through my whole life, like how I started becoming such a people pleaser because I knew that feeling. So if I could do something to make someone feel better and they didn't have to feel that, of course I could do that. That was just me. That's what I did, and when I was on my fertility journey, yeah, I felt like I wasn't enough because my body was not working the way society tells me it is. You just, you know you get pregnant easily. Our bodies are designed for this and my husband had already done it three times naturally, had three children naturally from a previous marriage, and I wasn't getting to experience that with him. I couldn't understand why. You know, I was volunteering with an organization that helps with children. I was working full time. I loved being a stepmom. I didn't love, I loved and still love being a stepmom, but there was just, there was so much. So when I started journaling the questions of like, how am I feeling right now? When triggers would happen, when I would see the phone number of my clinic come up, it was an instant trigger. It was holy F, hold your breath, sit down, because prepare yourself for the worst news that you're gonna hear in your life. And even when I got good news, like, I had to still be like is this, is this for real? Like, is this actually for real? So, again, there's lots of triggers on your journey. So when I started uncovering the feeling of not enough, I started saying but what would it feel like, if I felt like I was enough, how would I act differently? How would I feel differently? What would I do differently? Would I still be the exact same version of me? Or would I do or act or feel differently? And I started asking myself those questions and I always considered myself a very quiet, shy kind of person and every time I went into fertility clinics, and especially my first fertility clinic, I was like just tell me what I'm supposed to do. And on my secondary fertility journey, when I was asking myself how do I wanna show up in my clinic? How would? How do I wanna show up? When I talked to my doctor, I thought confident, and I wanna have a list of questions for him and I want to be more prepared of what is next in the journey, even though I'd already done it and had a successful pregnancy and had twins. This was a second pregnancy. This was I was a bit older. Everyone tells you every single pregnancy is different. And because we had tried the same medical protocol and didn't get pregnant the first try, I thought, okay, how do I show up differently? How do I talk differently? What do I do differently? Because I don't wanna ever go in feeling like in full transparency. My second clinic was a very, very busy clinic. I wanted a doctor that was straight to the point, telling me what I was gonna do. I didn't want the sugar coating as much as it's nice to have the oh sweetie, I get it, I totally get it I didn't have patience for that. I just wanted them to tell me this is what's gonna happen, this is what you're gonna do, straightforward. And then let me ask the questions. So I understood what was going to happen. I didn't want not that they give you false hope or things like that, but I just wanted a straight shooter. I got a straight shooter of a doctor, but he was also very, very, very busy. He was the director of the clinic, so he was incredibly busy. So when he would come in, he was always late. And then he was like yep, this is what we're doing, are you okay? And the first couple of times I was like yep. And then as soon as we would leave the clinic or we would talk to the nurse after then it was like the floodgated questions Like what about this, what about this? And she's like you should have talked to your doctor about this. And I was like I know he doesn't have time in, I know it's okay, it's a really busy clinic. That was all part of not being enough. So when I started journaling, saying like this is how I want to show up, this is how I want to be, I started doing that. I took control back in a different way, not trying to control when or how or things like that, but just showing up more prepared and saying you know what, I know I'm enough. I know I'm enough, I know I deserve this. I know that you know my heart is in the right place, my mind is in the right place and I know that I deserve this. Saying those words I know that I deserve this was hard at the beginning because I thought, well, I already have three stepdaughters and I already have two healthy babies, I have my twins. So you know, like that word of greedy was really kind of strong in my life and I kept journaling about the word greedy. Why am I feeling greedy? Why am I feeling greedy? And I really did ultimately flip my perspective, saying if I got pregnant, naturally people would be like, oh, you're growing your family again, congratulations. Or because we already have a big family, people would be like, whoa, you guys are just crazy. You hear all the comments, but I really kept saying I deserve this. I deserve this because we all deserve this. We all deserve to have the things that we desire. And who's to tell me that I don't deserve to have, you know, as big of a family as I want? So I started flipping that perspective of I deserve this. I deserve this. I started showing up differently and I started releasing those triggers one by one. When I saw the fertility clinic call, I thought they are calling to give me the news that I am supposed to hear right now Good or bad, this is the news that I'm supposed to hear right now because this, this is getting me to my end result of having my second pregnancy and having my baby. I started flipping my perspective. I started flipping my perspective on all of my triggers when I would walk into the fertility clinic and I saw the faces and I thought we are all here and, instead of feeling alone, I kept saying look at all of these women that are on the same journey as me to grow their family. We are not alone. There is so many of us, so it's not just me. Look at all of these amazing people that are doing whatever it takes to grow their family. Imagine how big their hearts are that they're willing to do whatever it takes to grow their family. Those are things I started telling myself and when I drove to the fertility clinic, I kept saying to myself, instead of having the floodgate of emotions and the fear of what if this doesn't work, don't get me wrong. The thought still came in, but I used my mindset tools to just wash them away and say you know what? There is a right, divine timing and I am doing everything. I'm focusing on my gratitude that I get to be in a clinic and that I have science and doctors doing what they can to help me create my family. I focused on gratitude. My husband and I watched like really sappy, happy, feel good shows or comedy shows on Netflix different things like that through the speakers of our van so that we would laugh, and it was just. We kept creating memories and I said to my husband I wanna do different things. So instead of always going like straight back to town unless we had to pick up our kids from school or something we would drive to like a little bakery in our in a really big city and I thought we're gonna make memories. And then I found a crystal shop and we would spend about 20 minutes just walking around and just saying this is our journey, we're gonna love every part of this. Instead of just taking actions. We're gonna enjoy this along the way too. And I started really finding joy in the journey. I stopped hating that drive to the fertility clinic because I thought, right after I get to go to this amazing bakery and I get to spoil myself with crescents or like a delicious butter croissant or whatever you know sparks my fancy at that time. But I got excited for a little treat and just walking the streets of this really big city and I also knew that the crystal store was just down the street from the bakery and I thought, even just walking in and smelling the incense that is always burning in a crystal shop and looking around and seeing these beautiful crystals and feeling that energy, I thought this is where I wanna go, my where I wanna go. So I started programming my mind that after I go to the fertility clinic I get to stop here. So I'm following this drive because I'm going to the bakery and I'm going to the crystal shop. That was something that got me so excited, so I was releasing the triggers of the drive. I released the triggers of the. You know, every time I saw the clinic phone number I started releasing all of those feelings and I really did find so much more like, so much more joy in the journey because I got so excited. And I remember, after I had fully released those triggers and the clinic called and I had cheated my clinic I don't know about some clinics say it's okay to test at home. My clinic always said do not do tests at home because you could get a false negative or a false positive, especially if you've had, like the HcG trigger shot that can set off a pregnancy test. So I had tested at home and I had seen faint lines and I thought, okay, I did one. I saw a faint line. I did one. The next day the line looked a little bit dark and I was like I'm not gonna do any more testing until I get the blood work. So when I got the phone call and they told me that I was pregnant, I was just like I wasn't triggered, I wasn't nervous, I was just like they're gonna tell me exactly what I need to know, because I have spent so much time living in my imagination. I have spent so much time journaling, being in gratitude and really constantly focusing on the end result, and I really did harness the belief that I know I'm going to have this baby when it is up to the universe, when this baby comes to me. But this baby is coming to me. And when they called me and they told me that my beta number I thought, holy crap, like I'm really pregnant and I was just so excited. So it was because I had focused my mind and I was releasing triggers. I was able to accept that news so much easier than when I had heard the news in the past. Or the trigger of the floodgate of horrible emotions when you see that call, when you hear bad news. So the last time I had I shouldn't say the last time, but up until that point when I had seen that number we had transferred our last embryo and it was the day that we were celebrating my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. It was the day before my parents' actual 40th anniversary and my husband's anniversary and to hear crushing news that you're all out of embryos and you're still not pregnant, those were serious triggers that I had when I saw the phone number. And so to be able to release. That was amazing and I'll fast forward it and please understand I'm saying this with tact and love, but I want you to understand how I released this trigger. My twins were born eight weeks early and they were born at a hospital and they were in the NICU for 11 days and then we were transferred to a special care nursery at the hospital in our hometown and I could not drive when I drove to our city. The big, a big city an hour away from us, has great shopping, amazing restaurants. We went there often enough, but I can tell you, without even paying attention to like the streets or anything, when we were close to that hospital I would hold my breath and my husband would look at me. He's like are you okay? I'm like are we near the hospital? And he said I don't think so. And, sure enough, within a couple of minutes we drove past the Ronald McDonald house and we drove past the hospital and I was in tears. I was in tears and he's like Jay, are you okay? And I was like I can't go past this hospital and I have a success story because I brought my babies home from there. But what I've never shared on my podcast my son had bradycardia after bradycardia and what that means is his heart rate was dropping and he wasn't breathing. So I watched my son do this over and over and over again and I was by myself because my husband had to go home because it was our day with our daughters and there was some underlying situations going on. That is not meant for the podcast, but he needed to be home and my son was four days old. I watched my son have these Bradycardia is after bradycardia and I would sit there and I was crying and the nurse was like it's okay, it's okay, we've got this, we've got this. Then the night shift happened and there was a new nurse that was on and it was happening like far too often that it was not, that it's ever comfortable, but I was like this should not be happening this often and she had actually politely asked me to leave. She's like I am new, this is my first night shift by myself and she's like I have to worry about your son. And she's like watching you sit in there crying she's like it's making me nervous. She's like if something happens, I will phone you, but you need. She's like I'm saying this wholeheartedly. She's like I need you to not be in the room right now and I could not sleep at the hospital. I was calling my husband. He had his ringer off for whatever reason. So I called my husband 14 times and finally I was thankful for finding my iPhone. I thought, hey, I can ping his phone to wake him up. And my husband said, jay, he's gonna be okay, I know he's gonna be okay. I feel this in my bones. I'm like I don't feel this in my bones. And I stayed up all night. Every two hours I was trying to pump. Trying to pump when you're in a very stressed out state reduces your milk supply and I was like. I started worrying, like, okay, I'm not producing enough for them. What if I had my phone in my hand waiting for the worst phone call ever? And as soon as like 7 am came, I like ran across the street from the Ronald McDonald house to the hospital and I was like, okay, I didn't get a phone call, I'm okay, I'm okay. I went in the familiar nurse that I knew she was there and I talked to her. She explained everything that was going on. She's like, he's totally fine, he's okay, you're okay, she's like, and you and him and your daughter are in the best place that you can be right now. So I know I've just gone in a rant and I'm like, okay, I'm okay. That's why I could not go to pass that hospital, because every time I saw that hospital I remember being so alone. I remember having to leave my son when he was not doing well and I remember thinking what if my son does not make it through the night and I wasn't there for him. So I would like, I thought I have to release this emotion. I have to release this trigger, because this is something like to bring back that emotion and feel that as if it was happening right now was not okay for my body, it was not okay for my emotions and I thought I have to move past this. Because, number one, I did get to bring my babies home. When you're in the NICU, you see a lot of things and you know that some people aren't bringing their babies home and that was really hard. This was not meant to be a sob story, I'm sorry, I apologize. I'll never forget the NICU, I'll never forget the sounds, I'll never forget the smell, but I did release the trigger. So I am now able to drive by the hospital, because I really flipped my perspective that my son is a fighter If my son is my hero and, more importantly, I brought my babies home and this is the hospital that saved them. This is the hospital, this is where they were born and this is where they really came to life, where they got to show their strength, they got to be amazing and I got to bring them home. And every year we go to the Ronald McDonald house and I give them a really big donation, whether it's money or things that they need, supplies that they need. And that's how I also started flipping my trigger, releasing my trigger of I'm going there to give back in any way that I can, because it was a place that I could stay and it was also a place that my babies were born and they came home. And you would not if you met my twins, you would not know that they were preemies, you would not know that they spent the first six weeks of their life in a hospital. You would not know any of those things. So I'm sharing this because that one was a harder one for me to release was the trigger, because that was a very, very, very big emotional impact, but I wanted to release that trigger. Not that I was trying to forget what happened, but I didn't want to feel like it every time I drove by that area in that town. That I did not want to feel like it happened to me over and over and over again, like I can't tell you how instantly my body clenched and how I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just could not stop sobbing. It was not. I was like this isn't okay. But again, the same way I released that emotional trigger was very much by journaling, saying no longer like how do I? I still ask myself, how do I want to feel when I go buy it? And I said I want to remember that there was a team of doctors and nurses that did everything in their power to keep my son alive and he's here. And I am so effing grateful that he's here. And I look at it that way that they are such an advanced hospital they call themselves a teaching hospital that you were learning on the job, you're doing everything, and that they are advanced, that they are incredible and that they have the drive to do this as a job, because I can't imagine the things that they see on a daily basis and how they sleep okay at night, how they process those emotions and still want to get up and do the same thing over and, over and over again. I commend them. I think they are incredible, incredible people. So I would journal how do I want to feel when I drive past the clinic and how do I want to feel when I drive past the hospital. How do I want to feel? What can I do to release this trigger? What can I do that? I think that will help me process these emotions. And for me, it was doing fundraisers. It was doing different things that I could do to give back in any way, shape or form, to the hospitals that I was able to bring my babies home from. That meant so much to me. And when I drive by, I think you know what. The Ronald McDonald House was such an amazing place for me to go, so like such welcoming staff and awesome rooms, and for $10 a day. I don't know how much it is now, but in 2015, it was $10 a day and I just thought like I am blessed that I brought my babies home, I am blessed that these people were part of my journey. And here I am. So I kept journaling these things and then I kept saying you know what? How do I want to show up now when I drive by, so I'm not holding this emotion. And I kept writing pride, gratitude, utmost love and compassion for these nurses and doctors that do this day in and day out. And those were my words. I wanted to keep repeating those, saying I'm in awe of what they do and that they wake up every day and want to do this and they want to save the world and they want to help these families and these babies and seriously incomplete awe of what they do. And that is what I did. Trust me, you can hear the emotions. I still cry when I talk about it, but I cry. I don't feel the intense pain that I used to feel. Yes, I can still. I can still recall that night. I can still recall my whole experience in the NICU, but what I choose to do is say this also made me stronger. I learned that I had a voice. I learned to fight in a different way than I've ever had to fight for. I learned to lean into a faith that I didn't really understand before. I chose to understand that this is part of my journey. I can't take away what happened, but I can flip my perspective and really look at the things that I experienced and look at how well my kids are doing now and look how I get to show up, because I focus on love and gratitude and joy. And that doesn't mean I'm a perfect parent by any means. I don't ever claim to be perfect. I don't ever claim to be amazing either, but those are things that I wanted to share. So I really hope you understand how journaling and leaning into joy, experiencing love and gratitude right now, really does change your journey right now and, by releasing some of your triggers, will help you so that you're not holding this energy in your body as you go forward on your journey or, like me, after having a successful pregnancy and bringing my babies home, going to the same city that they were born. I needed to release that emotion, because for me to sit and like hysterically ball my eyes out and feel like I couldn't breathe, that wasn't okay. I had to release that trigger. I wanted to go to that city. I wanted my children at some point to see the hospital they were born in, not necessarily go in, but say like this is where you were born, this is where you were born and back to you. Bye. I just releasing these emotional triggers has allowed me, and will do the same for you, to go through life with such more use and flow, versus having triggers all the time. You don't want to have triggers, no one ever wants to have triggers but I want you to have the mindset tools to be able to release those triggers, because if you're always living with those triggers, it is pent up negative energy that is stuck in your body and it's not serving you to focus on the things that haven't worked. So if you right now are in your fertility clinic, wherever you are in your journey, if you're, you know, in the middle of a cycle you're waiting for your cycle to start and gear up for everything I want you to release your triggers so that when you do get a phone call, or that you are waiting, that you can flip your perspective and really focus on how you want to feel when you enter your fertility clinic or talk to your doctor or wait for a phone call, or how you want your cycle to go, because every time you sit there and go into your cycle, just saying I hope this time is the one. I hope this time is the one. I hope this time is the one. Hope is always the first step, absolutely, but I want you to find joy in the journey right now. I want you to focus your mind and your mindset on exactly what it is that you want, so that you can have what it is that you want. Every time you spend that time focusing what it is that you want, you are a vibrational match to what it is that you want. Versus just saying, please, god, let this be the time. Please, let this just be the time, because you're filled with fear. You're filled with disbelief that you don't really think that this is going to work, but you hope it's going to work. You're filled with a lot of emotions and I want you to focus those emotions on what it is that you want. I want you to journal, to release triggers. I want you to be able to start living a beautiful life right now, so that when your family is here, your desired family is here, you are already feeling that love and joy and gratitude. I can't tell you how many women in groups that I'm part of that share that, even though they've had a successful pregnancy and they've got pregnant naturally on their own for their second, or they go back to their fertility clinic for a second, the emotional impacts that they still carry and how they carry that into. You know, if you're already in a stressed out state and then baby arrives, how that stressed out state carries into your time off with your baby, your maternity leave, and I want you to be able to release those triggers. I release triggers of my births. I release triggers of a lot of things. What I really do want to share with you how amazing it is when you start getting to the point right now where you can feel love, enjoy and gratitude you are already enjoying your journey far more than you did yesterday or a week ago or a month ago or however long ago when you start focusing on love, enjoying gratitude, and you start journaling and understanding your thoughts and how you can flip the perspective and change those thoughts and you start thinking, how do I want to show up, how do I want to feel? And then you really do release those triggers and start enjoying everything. And then, when you are here and baby arrives, you are already in a far better state and life will just keep getting better and better and better the more you use your mindset tools. I truly do believe that you can manifest your baby, or baby is your desired family. I truly do know. Without a shadow of a doubt, mindset is everything. Mindset is everything in your fertility journey, and releasing those emotional triggers is part of it too. I want you to look back on your journey, because this is always part of your story. How did it change? How did it get better, that improved so that when you if you choose to ever share your story with your children when they're here you had nothing but hope, faith, love, joy, gratitude and grit. You did whatever it took to get them here, to love them with everything that you have. So, before I go on anymore rinse or anything, I just want you to understand mindset is everything and I want you to understand beliefs that hold the belief that shifting your mindset is easy. Hold the belief that you have the power within you to do this, because every single person has the power within them to change their mindset, to choose their thoughts, to choose how they want, to take every action in every day in the right direction, in a far more ease and flow state versus the resistive state. So I'm sending each and every one of you listening so much love and so much light and I really want to say to you you've got this, you have this. Start to do the work and see things transform in front of you. Much love. If you found this helpful or know anyone that needs to hear this, please share and don't forget to leave a review and subscribe. In love and gratitude, jessica.