Persisting Through Infertility: Cyndel's Story

Hey, Hey, Welcome back!
 
I have Cyndel with me today as she shares her journey with infertility and IVF. 

We had an unstable internet connection. There are a few spots where you can hear the lagging. Please stick with us through it.

 In this episode, you hear our heartfelt conversation, and we delve into her fertility journey.  Cyndel graciously shares her experiences, challenges, and triumphs.

She reveals how she maintained positivity through faith, podcasts, worship music, daily devotions, and exercise.  Her story is a testament to the power of persistence and a beacon of hope for others on a similar journey. Let Cyndel's story inspire, comfort, and, most importantly, remind you that you are not alone in this journey.

**Trigger Warning** We discuss miscarriage and pregnancy after loss.   

Book Link - Taking Charge of Your Fertility


Want to connect with Cyndel.

Instagram| @everydaywomenfitness


In Love and Gratitude
Jessica xxx

Email - jessica@thefertilitymind.com
Website - https://www.thefertilitymind.com
Book - https://manifestingwithpurposebook.com
The Story of Us Journal and Keepsake - Hardcover
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Journal - Manifested
Journal - I am Limitless
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Fertility Mind podcast. I am your host, jessica Friesen, a certified fertility mindset coach, a sound healer and an international best-selling author. My mission for this podcast is to give you weekly episodes where you hear my own success with IVF and how mindset and manifestation changed it all for me. You will also hear from my guests who share their success stories in the fertility world. I want you to know that you are not alone, even when things feel tough and when things feel like they aren't going your way. The tools and techniques you will get in this podcast, I know, can change everything for you too. So thanks for being here with me today and let's dive in. Hello and welcome back to another episode. Today I've got a special guest with me, sindel, and the amazing World Wide Web connected us through social media. I've been following Sindel for quite some time and today we're going to share her fertility journey. It's a beautiful story. So, sindel, please introduce yourself and take it away.

Speaker 2: 1:17

Hello, I am Sindel and I am so excited to be here. Oh my gosh, I feel like I was just submerged in the fertility world for so long and then, by the grace of God, we had our babies. And then I just felt like, do I still have a place in here? And the answer is yes, I do have a place in this community. So thank you so much for asking me to speak on here. I'm so honored. So I am Sindel. Like I said, I am in Tampa, florida, and my husband and I started to try to have a family in 2017 and really I thought it was going to be one of those things where I threw my birth control away. We were going to try and get pregnant like month one, which I think we all kind of have this fairy tale in our mind that that's how it's going to be, but that was far from the truth. So I noticed early on after stopping birth control that my cycles were completely crazy. I tried to use apps and the apps would tell me to, like you know, do the dance on this day, and that was like way off with my ovulation. So I actually ended up buying a book called Taking Charge of your Fertility, which you've never heard of. It is such an empowering resource, just as a woman, to understand your body, and I was blown away by how like under educated I was on my own body, like that. The things that I was experiencing meant you know X Y, z. So once I read that book, I felt super empowered and I felt like I had more of a grasp on how to actually try to have a baby. But an entire year went by with no success, and so at the end of 2018, my OBGYN referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist, and it was actually that same month that I went into like an informational session with him and he literally opened by like he opened a bag of Doritos and he was like Hi, would you like some? And I was like, oh my gosh, I love this guy. He's totally my vibe, just like relax and made me feel so comfortable, and so that's kind of where our journey begins at the end of 2018.

Speaker 1: 3:24

That's awesome. So you tried naturally and it wasn't working. And then was there a wait to get into your fertility clinic or anything like that, or could you just book yourself an appointment?

Speaker 2: 3:38

So I called like literally the same day. My doctor referred us and they said that the soonest appointment they had was January, which in retrospect really was not long of a week, it was like a month and a half and I was like, okay, that's whatever. But he said, hey, we're having this informational session like a week or whatever, if you'd like to come just to meet the team and kind of get a better grasp of everything. So I was actually really excited to do that, because I feel like we shouldn't have to interview our doctors. But having that like different kind of engagement with him was super important to me and, like I said, after he offered me Doritos I was like I'm sold on this guy. So, yeah, we started in January, so we didn't have to wait too long. But I will say it was a brand new clinic. It's called Shady Grove Fertility. They had just opened their office in Tampa, so it's not a new clinic in like the dates, but it was a new clinic in Tampa and so I think that's why we were able to get in so fast.

Speaker 1: 4:37

Okay, and then so did your. Did your OBGYN do any tests or do anything that she said you should go to the fertility clinic? Or was it more so? Maybe let's let them do the tests, because you've been trying for so long, or for a year?

Speaker 2: 4:54

Yeah. So my OBGYN was super like relaxed about it. It was actually me who is the one advocating for myself and it was about six months into trying that I was like, listen, I can't even tell you like how long my cycle is One day, one week or one month, it's 20 days. One month it's 40 days, the next month it's 29. Like I have no idea what's happening and I know this is not normal. And so I was like can you please just do some sort of testing on me? Like I just need to have some sort of like tangible information. And so she did an ultrasound, a day three ultrasound, and she did some hormone testing. She also ordered a cement analysis on my husband, which was the only thing that came back like a little bit abnormal, and so she diagnosed us with male factor infertility. And then she was like let's just wait a couple more months. By law we have to wait a year, which I think is a story for another day. But at that year mark she was finally like, okay, here's the referral. And so we went on to our doctor.

Speaker 1: 6:03

Okay, amazing. And then so, once you found yourself in the fertility clinic, how did that go? Did you get pregnant on the first try? Share that Whatever you feel comfortable with.

Speaker 2: 6:15

Goodness Okay. So, like I said, january of 2019 is when we started with our fertility clinic, and if you've ever been in a fertility clinic, you know that the testing takes forever, whether it's because they're scheduling or because it's a certain time. I think I had like just ovulated or something when we had our appointments. I had to wait like a whole another month to like get all the stuff going. But we did our initial testing and then it wasn't until April of that year that we were able to start trying, for we were going to do an I UI because my doctor confirmed or concluded that we were actually unexplained in fertility. He looked at my husband's senior analysis, he did a repeat one and he was like no, like your OB was completely wrong. You're not male factor, you're not female factor, you're just unexplained, which to me felt so frustrating that there was like he's like on paper, you guys should be getting pregnant, but you're not. So we went to do our I UI and I did for Mara and my body absolutely hated it. My lining did nothing, I didn't ovulate like my. It's like my body's foot down, which he says happens very rarely, but of course, if it's going to happen to anyone, it's going to be me. So he canceled that cycle and try to do another one using like a higher dosage. But then I had a huge ovarian cyst which I've never had before, and it was around this time like I said, around April May that I felt a huge, just like confirmation from God telling me like this is not what I want you to be doing, like I do not want you doing an I UI. And so when I had this, this, I was like, okay, I need to like step back and just listen to the Lord. And we were. I was praying at church one day and I just felt him say like you are going to do IVF and I'm going to use your testimony to speak on this topic and to spread awareness of infertility. And if you know me in real life, I am so integrated so it's like completely out of my comfort zone to go on Instagram to like thousands of people who don't know me and just share like these intimate details. But I did and we started our IVF journey in May. We ended up having an amazing and so we started our IVF journey with estrus and again my body did not respond. So after 28 days of estrogen, I we canceled our cycle. September comes around and he said let's try the injectable estrogen. Once again my body was like no, this is not what we're doing. And when I say it didn't work, it just means that, like my, my uterine lining just never grew and it got almost like it was not beautiful trilemnid or pattern they want. And again we canceled. And then in October we tried to do a natural cycle and when I went into my baseline my hormones were just crazy high still, even after like having a period. So it was in that moment that I really felt my spirit completely shatter, like I just had no more joy in this journey, like I didn't even feel hopeful for an ounce of a second in my day, which I was like this is not me. I just cry all day, like I was like this is not me. I am like a very happy person, I'm a very like hopeful person. So I asked my doctor like hey, can I take a break? And the reason I bring this up is because we were in a program called shared risk, which is basically when you pay like a huge amount of money but they basically guarantee you a baby at the end of it and if you don't have a baby. At the end of it, you get your money back, and so, because of that, there were very, like, strict stipulations on how we handled the process and so, asking for that break, I was like, can we even do this? And he was like, yeah, like we're going to do this because mentally, you have to be there for this to be successful. So, luckily, we got to take a break and it wasn't until January of 2020, you guys, one year after joining our clinic that we were finally able to transfer an embryo and what worked for us was doing a modified natural cycle, which is when we use no estrogen to grow my lining. It was just my whole, my own body, which I had like full, and I just knew it was going to work because I ovulate, you know, like clockwork every month, and I was like my body can do this. I know my body can do this, and it did, and so we got to transfer. It was January 5th 2020. I'll never forget that day. It was right before COVID hit. It was so magical. My husband was able to be there and it was a success. However, that success was very short lived when we found out a couple weeks later that I miscarried. It's crazy how, three years later, you're still like broken up over your last babies. Like I said earlier, we didn't test their embryo. My doctor did suggest that we test the material that they got out of the DNA and the CT it was confirmed that my baby, she was a girl, we named her Charlie, that she had trisomy 22. She was an abnormal embryo but if we never transferred her, we would never have our angel. And then we and then COVID. Like I said, covid, this was COVID. This was crazy. You guys, like I, am so thankful that my husband was able to be there for my DNC, but the clinic closed like literally two weeks later, shut down, and going through a miscarriage while experiencing COVID was just absolutely traumatic. Part of you wants to, you know, grave your child, but part of you wants to move forward. You never move on, you move forward. And it wasn't until June of that same year that we were able to transfer our second baby, who became our rainbow Cannonball. If you guys follow me, you see, cannonball, he is a force to be reckoned with. So, yes, we had success, but a long time after starting our journey.

Speaker 1: 12:55

That's incredible. You made me very teary-eyed and it? No, no, that's honestly, it's amazing. You know, every woman knows their dates, every woman knows the emotional impacts and, yes, years later, after you've miscarried and even after you've had success, it's still hard to talk about. I can say the same for my journey. Anytime I talk about it I get choked up, but I do believe that there is such a mission to share. Number one, that you can still have a successful pregnancy after loss and that it's okay to grieve for the rest of your life. Like you, from the moment you transferred an embryo or got pregnant, naturally there's such hope. You hope that you've carried this baby with love and joy, no matter how far you've carried this baby to term or if it ends in a miscarriage. So I think it's incredible that you're sharing this with us and I think it's incredible that you persisted because, like I said when we were chatting before we started, I know personally many people. I follow a lot of people on social media and so many people give up because, mentally fertility treatments, being in a fertility clinic, being immersed in the fertility world you can be filled with dwindling hope. You can search for other like-minded people that are on your journey and they will tell you their horror stories, and then you yourself can, in turn, take on that energy and take on the mindset of like what if it doesn't work for me? And you're already experiencing the stuff that you're going through. So I think it's important to also showcase that you persisted through some really hard things, and I was on my secondary fertility journey through COVID as well, so we transferred our last baby January 10th. So I know that was one of the similarities when I was following you as like, oh my gosh, we've got so many things similar. And then, yeah, when the world was shutting down, I was like, how do people survive through this? Like, this is a whole crazy ballgame. So thank you for sharing, and then continue on with your story, because you have some amazing news.

Speaker 2: 15:31

Yes, so I will say that pregnancy after loss was a beast of its own, a couple, like I said, with COVID, I was in health care I no longer am, thank the Lord, but working in health care during COVID while being pregnant was, oh my gosh, talk about like, like I said, trauma. It's just trauma. You live with trauma. And I actually ended up getting COVID in January of 2021, which caused my blood pressure to go absolutely insane. I ended up being admitted to the hospital 33 weeks and never left. So Canon was born on January 25th at 34 weeks and three days, weighing a whopping six pounds three ounces like what. This child was huge and I can only say that the Lord knew like this was his birthday, whether he came early or not, like this was always going to be his birthday. And I'll tell you, I wasn't able to see him, which was three, for another day, for 36 hours. But the minute I did, the minute I locked eyes with my baby, like I literally heard God say this is why I need you wait. And like it still brings tears to my eyes that, while it was so hard, I would do it again a million times, Like I would have waited a million years for this child of mine, because it just made sense. It instantly made sense why he made us wait and it was for Canon. So, fast forward a few months. I had my consultation for baby number two when Canon was about six months old, just because I knew like, hey, I wanted to get things on the books. I'm a planner, I'm a super type A and I knew with a child it was going to be different, like I needed to have childcare and all these things for our appointments. And so my doctor gave us his grace. This was around July of 2021. He gave us his grace to start trying. Naturally, he says you know it happens, I will tell you it happens, but you know why not try while we wait for everything? So our goal was always to transfer another embryo in January of 2022, when Canon was one, and I found myself pregnant spontaneously in October of 2021. And I remember I woke up it was like 3.30 in the morning and I was like I am so thirsty. Like the last time I felt this extreme thirst which, if you've ever been pregnant, you know exactly what I'm talking about was when I was pregnant. I was like but there is no way that I'm pregnant, like there's just no way. But I was like I will not be able to go back to sleep until I get up and like, confirm this for myself. So I did. I got up, peed on a stick and I was like, literally half asleep, a zombie on the toilet. And I look over and my heart, you guys like was in my throat when I saw those two lines and I was like, oh, like, is this real? Like is my body playing tricks on me? So I immediately peed on another stick that one was also positive and I ran from my bedroom, woke up my husband and I'm like, babe, get up, I'm pregnant. And he was like, what? Like? He kind of like pushed me. He was like, what are you talking about? Like that's impossible, how are you pregnant? And I was like, I don't know. Like you know, we did the thing and he was like, okay, like, let's talk in the morning. So when he woke up the next morning, he's like did I have a dream? And I'm like, no, like I'm actually pregnant. So I called my fertility clinic, which this might not be what everyone else does, but I knew that they, like I'm my best interest at heart. They immediately had me come in for a beta. I had three beta blood draws. All of them were perfect. They let me do three early scans in their office, which I'm so thankful for, because I cannot imagine being like a typical patient after having like a fertility journey and waiting like 12 weeks for an ultrasound. No way, I would literally die of anxiety. But I'll tell you that first I was six weeks, four days, and we didn't see like anything which, as we know, if you've been pregnant and you've had an early scan, almost 100% of the time you see something in that scan. And so immediately I was like I knew this was too good to be true, like we're having an early miscarriage, whatever, whatever. But a week later we go back and there's crew just hanging out in my uterus, growing and thriving, and we ended up having a amazing pregnancy. I did get pre-clampsia again, but it was just such a blessing and I will say pregnancy after infertility, like a spontaneous pregnancy you would think would be so much less anxiety induced no, it was more. I just continue to be like this. There is no way this is possible Because for years I was told, like you can't get pregnant naturally, like for years I was told you have to transfer an embryo to get pregnant. And then here was God being like no, like you prayed for a natural conception for so much longer than you ever prayed for an IVF miracle, and so I delivered that. And I just think it's such a testimony that at the end of your rope, like when you're feeling like so hopeless, that there is a light at the end, like there is hope for everybody in this journey, for everybody in this week. If you just, like you said earlier, like if you just persevere, if you just persist, if you just continue on and trust that this is your journey and this will end in a happy ending, then it can happen for you too.

Speaker 1: 21:03

That's an incredible message, thank you, and I think it's. I know so many women that have had two children through IVF and then they conceived their third when they weren't even trying, but they knew they wanted to keep growing their family. They just they're like we're gonna keep doing our business and when we're ready to go back for our third baby, and then they're like they find out and I think that it's the unexplained fertility journey that is so beyond frustrating, because you think, like, why, like again, people tell you on paper you should be able to conceive, and social media society tells us our bodies are designed to have babies. This is what we do. So and I know that's for a whole nother conversation, but it's so true in the pressure that we put on ourselves of like we need to do this and we need to do that. But I love also showcasing that miracles happen too and that just because you had one baby through fertility doesn't mean you can't go on to have babies naturally on your own, and I also really liked that you shared that. It doesn't take away the stress or the pressure either. I was very thankful that I had mindset and tools. I like to say I believe in the universe. I do believe in God. I've just never been very active in churches or in the religious aspect, but I very much have a strong faith. But in this is where I share with people, like if you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are meant to be a mom or a dad, whatever your sexual orientation is. However you wanna grow your family. Hold on to that and hold on to that. When I was in my secondary fertility journey, I went through different emotions of I already had twins through my first fertility journey and I have three step daughters. So everyone was like you have a big family? Like are you insane? And all I kept saying. But if I were to have kids, naturally you wouldn't tell me those things. Like you wouldn't. You would just be like, oh, congratulations, you're having another one. And it just after I had my miscarriage. And even going back to fertility clinics after having a success. The smell of fertility clinics, seeing good old Wanda which anyone that doesn't know who Wanda is, that is your ultra uterine ultrasound wand but like, just seeing those things like it brings back all memories. And, like I said, like going in to a secondary fertility clinic and doing all these things, my pregnancy if I didn't have my tools. There was still moments where fear crept in of, like you know, you hit that certain point where you've had your miscarriage and you're like, oh my gosh, my twins were born at 32 weeks. So I kept having fears like, are they gonna end up in the NICU? Are like what? All the things that go through your head and I kept reminding myself focus on what I want, focus on that. I really know that. I know I meant to have these babies and you know it carried me through some really, really dark times and some dark times where I was like I, you know, wanted to give up, but I couldn't give up. There was that little voice maybe it was God, I call it my little voice that kept saying you need to keep going. And there was stagnant periods in my fertility journey where, you know, I wanted, my husband and I both knew we wanted to have another baby, but finances going through another unexplained, however long fertility journey was scary. We already had twins, we had three stepdaughters, so we had this big family already. And just like it was the mindset for me of like people would tell me on social media, like you're greedy, and I remember on Christmas Eve I had to do my day two blood work to start for the transfer and so many people in the fertility clinic gave me dirty looks and one woman, as my name was being called, even said to me she's like how dare you bring your kids here and how dare you do this on Christmas Eve? And I just said I am sending you so much love. I am sending you so much love and I want you to know you're gonna have your baby too, and I hope that you get to have more children if you decide to have that too, and you might have to bring your baby or babies here too, because this is what we're doing to grow our family. And she looked at me like Did you just say that out loud? But you know, and I've come across a lot of people that I follow that share their fertility journeys and they talk about like you can't bring your kids to a fertility clinic, like that's just. You know that's wrong and I'm thinking, no, I, this is also my kids story too. They get to see like this is where we went and you were conceived. And you know, I tell my twins they're eight right now, there'll be nine soon and I was like you were frozen. You were frozen in time, like this is a really cool story that you get to share and yeah, it's just, it's one of those things for me that I think it's important to persist and I think it's important for people to hold on, to hope and know that, like there are so many resources out there and I think thank you for sharing the book, because you know I share this, I think on every episode, high school science class and health class and all these things, high school is now sharing a bit more. Like if you do like biology and chemistry, like they do a bit about IVF and fertility, but very little. But it's still this big conception like don't have sex, you're going to get pregnant, and then, like you said, if you're on the pill or if you have some type of contraceptive, you stop and you're going to get pregnant, and then, when it doesn't, the mindset that we do to ourselves of like you know why is this. And just even how uneducated we are on our own bodies, like we think, ok, well, our period is clockwork, so we must ovulate between day 13 or day 14. Some people ovulate on day 19 and day 20. Some people ovulate like I've started tracking my cycle, like crazy not that I'm trying to have any more children, but just understanding my body and I am now ovulating on day 10, which is like mind blowing for me, and I like I've even gone as far as like I've had ovulation sticks, because I'm like, ok, this is how I feel. I just want to confirm it. Yeah, I'm like that's, it's crazy, it's early. But again, it's just educating yourself on your body and understanding that we are all designed very differently, even though we have the same parts. Everything is so different. Is there anything else that you want to share about your journey?

Speaker 2: 28:13

I will say that I because you're talking about mindset, and even my doctor was like you have to have like a good mental space when you're, when you are in this journey, which, if you're deep in it, if you're in a thick of it, it's hard to remain hopeful, it's hard to remain positive. But you have to find something that is an outlet, find something that is your hope, that is your anchor that's like the best way to describe it your anchor, like the place that you can continue to go back to when you need that, like just that little pep in your stuff. And so for me, it was a few things. One I actually listened to podcasts, just like this, on fertility and the hope of it, the success stories. I wanted to hear other people who were very similar to me go on and say I had my baby, because I wanted to manifest that and say I will have a baby, just like this girl that I'm listening to. This will be me one day, and it was. Another thing was daily devotionals and worship music. Oh my gosh, you guys like when I tell you that was the thing for me that just carried me through my day. That was that's probably the number one question I used to get is how do you stay so positive? So, like you look at your timeline and like I would have just crumbled and yeah, I could have crumbled, but where would I be, you know. So I had to to like, take the effort to choose, to be happy and to stay positive, and with that was through worship. And then number three which I know we connected this earlier is my workouts. You guys, physical, like that physical release, that endorphin rush, just moving my body every single day intentionally, was the best part of my day. It was the 30 to 45 minutes where I wasn't in my head going, you're broken, you're not going to have a baby, like this journey is so hard, this journey sucks. No, it was the 30 to 45 minutes a day where I put my music on and I worked out so hard that I just, like felt alive because I wanted to be happy. I felt alive because I wanted to know that my body was still working in any kind of way and it was. So workouts were literally my therapy. I probably should go see an actual therapist, but for now, workouts are my therapy. So those are just a couple of things I can say, like if you're on this journey and you're feeling so lost, like find that thing that brings you joy, to find that thing that brings you hope, whether that's, like I said, finding other stories of finding stories of success, worshipping, you know, devotionals, like you said, mindset tricks, of anything that tells your brain you need to be happy and positive because that will carry on into your success infertility.

Speaker 1: 30:47

Thank you for sharing that. And yes, absolutely, I know we talked about it. Workout saved me in many ways. There was. I am not a cardio person by any means, but on days that we got bad news I was finding shanti. That's like, give me the craziest cardio I'm going to burn out these tears. But that and you know what I was told through my fertility clinic do not do workouts through your pregnancy. And something inside of me was like no, it's actually better to do workouts. And I have found different doctors say different things, some of them you know, after you have your implantation, if you do IVF, they tell you to go on bed rest for three to five days. Some are two weeks. My doctor was like rest for a couple of hours, but if you got pregnant, naturally you wouldn't be on bed rest, you would do your day to day life. And that was something that had scared me, because I had three stepdaughters in my house and I was like, if you asked me to sit in bed when they're in, like when they're home, sorry, I can't do that. So that was something that saved me was just putting on a workout that worked for my body and what I needed that day. And I tell people, like, do whatever you can to move your body. If it's, you know, do yoga outside or just walk in the grass, walk in nature, do anything to move your body. It just it changes you. And, like, I even did a workout before, like in the morning before I went to transfer my last baby and I took one day off and then I just did like lighter workouts but I was like I need to move my body. It feels good. It's a distraction from you know, things that were going on, the fears that instantly came in. And, you know, even though I had mindset tricks to think about and focusing on what it is that I wanted, I thought when I do a workout, whether it's, you know, 3045 minutes, I am just focused. I'm not a stepmom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a wife, I'm not anything. I'm just here. I'm just doing this and it is easier to go on through your day and I just I love that. You say like, however you can find, whether it's a podcast, an audio book, worship music, turning to your church, turning to God, finding people on social media that are going through things, do it like just anyone that's listening. Please, I will share this every episode. Hope for me is like the first step. If you have hope, you can persist and just don't give up. Because I know many women that are now in their 50s and they have, you know, said to me thank you for doing your podcast. I wish I would have known about you 20 years ago, when I was in my 30s, when I gave up on my fertility journey, and they are living a life where they are now content with their life, but they still have that piece of them where they say I wish, I still wish I was a mom, I'm happy being an aunt or I'm happy being, you know, like we have volunteer programs and things where they can mentor young kids, but they're just like I still have that little piece. I gave up and sometimes I wish that I didn't and that's why I want anyone listening to this podcast. I know it's hard. Please don't ever think that when you hear these positive stories that it's not hard, like there is hard times. I don't ever want to sugarcoat that. Oh, it's so easy. It's all like hearts and rainbows. But persist. We are women and we can persist through the hardest shit. Excuse my language, but we really can persist and if you, if you can focus on what it is that you want. And you know women that I have talked to in the past that they have said to me like, how, like I can't, I can't go on. And I just ask them I'm like, really think about this. If you see yourself in 20 or 30 years without a kid, how does that feel? Without having your baby, without having your desired family? How does that feel? If you still have a feeling that you it doesn't feel right or that you're settling, thinking you know what? I can travel more, I can do this with my partner, I can do that how does it really feel? Because if you still have that desire to create your family, you can persist. And I know that sometimes that's really hard for people to hear, especially the stuff that they've gone on through their fertility journey, but I honestly say, women can persist through the craziest things and I really do believe that if you have a desire to have your family, keep going. What if you had your rainbow baby? What if you got to? However, your baby came into this world, whether it's adoption, surrogacy, naturally, through IVF, however your baby comes, imagine your life with that baby, imagine experiencing those experiences, and if that brings you to tears. You can persist. You can persist so you can have your dream. I don't promise, I don't promise hopes of I can give you your baby or anything like that. It's just I want people to hear stories. I want people to understand that they can have the things that they want. Because, like, I look at myself and I think if I didn't persist through some really hard times, I wouldn't have my three beautiful babies, I wouldn't go through the beautiful chaos that I think everyone deserves to experience. And yes, I call it beautiful chaos because one thing that's also not talked about in motherhood every woman that I have talked to that has gone through IVF and that has had success. We all feel guilty if we think it's hard sometimes because we're like we tried so hard to get this so we're supposed to enjoy every moment. It's not supposed to be hard and that's a whole other conversation. But just know that you deserve to have the things that you want and I truly, truly believe that you can persist. So I ask some hard questions sometimes because I want anyone listening to think about it. How, in 20 years, in 10 years, how do you see your life? Do you still wish more than anything, that you had that baby. Are you settling, are you happy? What feels right for you? I know some people that ended their fertility journey and they are so happy with that choice because they found different ways of expressing what worked for them. And again, I will hold no judgment. You make the decision that is right for you, absolutely that's right for you. But I want you to ask yourself those hard questions too, to make sure that you're making a choice based off of what feels good and what feels right, based off, instead of making a decision out of fear or making a decision based off of finances, all of those things that stop us from our fertility journey. Because I will tell you the heartbreaking stories of the women that I've spoke to that have cried to me and said, yes, I can travel, yes, I can do these things, but I still, when I hear a baby in the grocery store or when my friends are telling me that they're having grand babies and things like that, like their heart sinks and they're just like. I never got to experience that and I just think I don't ever want to hear or know someone gave up when they could possibly persist. And again, I know I'm treading on some tough territories. It's just. I feel like it's so important to showcase these messages and showcase that your journey was not easy and you talk to people and they say like you would have crumbled, but you persisted. So, cyndall, thank you so much for sharing your story and in the show notes I will provide any links that you give me for people if they want to reach out and connect with you about infertility stories or Beachbody, any of those things, because I think it's just amazing for people to connect. Even if you're done your fertility journey, still connecting and still talking to women that have experienced anything similar to yourself is still. It's nice to know to meet people, but it's also just. I think it's incredible that we can still share our story, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 39:42

And I was gonna say you mentioned the beautiful chaos and how we think as moms now that we're not allowed to complain because of all the things that we went through, and now there's still so many people waiting for their children. But you're so right. We absolutely can feel like motherhood is hard because, oh my gosh, it is so hard. And just because a baby was born via IVF or surrogacy does not mean that they are any easier of a child, right? So, and I even feel like connecting with other moms who've been through infertility and are struggling as a mom. I feel the most connected to them because they truly get it. I also feel like a lot of us who went through infertility treatment have some sort of postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression, which doesn't get talked about as much, and then you feel guilty. Why am I depressed when I have everything I prayed for? Because it's just part of the journey. It's part of the journey. For some people it's. You know, the chemicals in our body are not aligned and you shouldn't feel guilty over that. There's nothing that you did to give yourself postpartum depression, so I'm super passionate about talking about that. So thank you for bringing that up and, yeah, I'd love to connect with anybody who just needs like a word of encouragement. I love posting, you know. I love posting my voice, but I also love posting, you know, just messages from the Lord that I get throughout the day just to give hope in every aspect of our life, not just our fertility journey. So I just like to be a beacon of light on the internet where it's so dark and so toxic.

Speaker 1: 41:17

Absolutely. It can be a very toxic place, absolutely. So thank you again, thank you, thank you. Like I can't explain the justice of how full my heart feels when I get to do these, you know, showcase guests on my podcast and just connect with other women that have gone through so much and still have had success, and just sharing your story. So thank you, thank you, thank you for being here with me today. Have a good day, you too. You too. If you found this helpful or know anyone that needs to hear this, please share and don't forget to leave a review and subscribe, in love and gratitude, jessica.